Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tallahatchie Free State Ministers Emeritus

Pending receipt of ministerial nominations, selection, and confirmation by the Colonel's esteemed panel of one chaired by a man curmudgeoned well before his time, the following ministers emeritus are hereby declared exemplary for the ethical and effective conduct of the affairs of the Tallahatchie Free State, a government in opposition, capitalled at Eegeebeegee, at the northern end of southern nowhere.

Foreign Minister: Alexander the Great--no other man in history made so many allies of former enemies in so little time.

Minister of Defense: Lieutenant General Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC--no other military man more clearly understood the opportunity present in being surrounded and outnumbered by the enemy (will be an important attribute for the near-term conduct of military operations in defense of TFS borders).

Assistant Minister of Defense: General Anthony C. McAuliffe, USA, who, as commander of the 101st Airborne Division, eloquently responded with "Nuts!" to the surrender demand of the German commander whose forces surrounded the Americans at Bastogne during the 1944 Battle of the Bulge. In addition to his example of loyalty and mission focus, such brevity, clarity, and decisiveness in inter-governmental communications will be a TFS requirement.

Minister of the Interior: Theodore Roosevelt--responsible for the creation of the greatest and most effectively maintained collective expanse of national parks and wildlife preserves on the planet. Teddy's effectiveness in foreign policy and national defense also make him an example to bolster those named above.

Minister of Agriculture: George Washington Carver--considered the Leonardo da Vinci of American agriculture and perhaps most responsible for the resurrection of post-Southern War for Independence farming following the collapse of the cotton monoculture.

Minister of Education: Socrates--the father of modern western philosophy and credited with the Colonel's favorite pedagogic method (asking questions to draw out discussion). Reportedly short and unattractive (attributes near and dear to the Colonel), Socrates was also a battlefield hero and a staunch defender of the Athenian constitution (for which he gave his life).

Minister of Justice: Solomon, whose symbolic sword of justice shall remind the citizenry of the TFS that Right and Truth are principles worth fighting for.

Minister of Finance: Robert Heinlein, whose use of the science fiction literary form does not diminish the brilliance of his economic thought, conceptualized in several of his novels as the principle: TANSTAAFL ("there ain't no such thing as a free lunch").

The Tallahatchie Free State minister emeritus positions above and those enshrined in them carry no policy making or enforcement power, and exist purely at the pleasure of the Colonel, subject to his whim and wit, if lack of wisdom. Nominations to ministerial positions, both temporal and emeritus, are encouraged for the Colonel's consideration and are subject to arbitrary approval, condemnation, or curmudgeonly criticism.

5 comments:

Bruce Gregory said...

I tender my application for Ambassador to the Commonwealth of Virginia. While the state may be trending "Blue", I believe it to be a temporary lapse in judgment.

I offer no monetary or political favor in exchange for consideration.

Ed Gregory said...

Despite the acute danger of incurring charges of nepotism (lots more challenging words for a Mississippi State grad will undoubtedly be found herein--deal with it), the Colonel's Committee on Ministerial Appointments, chaired by a man curmudgeoned well before his time, hereby accepts your application for the ambassadorship to the home of Washington and Lee. The matter of disqualification due to lack of military service (the United States Air Force is a para-military organization, at best) is waived without condition. Your investment ceremony and granting of portfolio will commence immediately upon conclusion of the annual Eegeebeegee Spring Snipe Hunt awards ceremony. In the meantime, you may act as a Minister Without Portfolio, subject to the Colonel's disavowal of any actions determined contrary to the TFS founding principles (see Minister Emeritus Heinlein's appointment).

Bruce Gregory said...

It is with great honor and humility that I accept this appointment.

Although I am proud to have received my undergraduate degree from what he sometimes refers to as the "Utter University", I am equally as proud of my older brother (AKA "The Colonel"). He must have assemilated some degree of education from the Party School in Oxford because most Marines I know have a very hard time speaking, let alone writing in more that monosyllabic words.

Sir, you do your school, your state, and your Corps proud.

Ed Gregory said...

Ahem, Ambassador, most Marines will match brains and polysyllabic discourse with anyone. Those who can't will just win the debate by breaking an arm off (preferably the antagonist's arm, but in a pinch a Marine will use any weapon handy and if that means breaking his own arm off, so be it) and beating the opposition into submission with it. As for choice, and educational merit, of undergraduate locations of matriculation, Ole Miss Rebels are very happy to have the Cow College nearby if only to keep from making the bottom of rankings and lists. You, as well, sir, are to be praised for making good despite the lack of education.

Bruce Gregory said...

Most exalted leader of TFS. Your descriptive narrative of being pummeled by a one armed Marine is indeed frightening. For some reason the image that comes to mind are the apes beating one another with bones at the beginning of 2001 A Space Odyssey. Seems Marines may not have evolved as much as we would have hoped.