Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Bridge at Eegeebeegee, Phase IIa


Several rotations of the Earth ago, the Colonel posted regarding his labors to erect a bridge over a creek dividing his vast holdings here at the northern end of southern nowhere. The three of you who regularly waste your precious rod and cone time reading posts hereon will remember that, during Phase I, in order to allow for the emplacement of uprights for near and far shore piers on which cross-creek bridge timbers will rest, the Colonel lowered and narrowed the bed of said creek.

Now, the Colonel finds himself at the point at which he must refill and raise the creek bed.

Earlier this week, the Colonel contracted for, and took delivery of, twenty-five (25) tons of rip-rap suitable rock. Is twenty-five tons of rip-rap suitable rock a lot of stone? Did the Waltons take way too long to say goodnight?

Twenty-five tons of rip-rap suitable rock dumped in one place forms a heap the size of which would have made a paleolithic mound-builder proud. The truck that delivers twenty-five tons of rip-rap suitable rock requires a road surface on which to travel with the carrying capacity of that required by the crawler that delivers the Space Shuttle from the Vehicle Assembly Building to the launch pad. So, traversing the 400 yard long pot-hole riven, rut-strewn, one lane gravel road that passes for the Colonel's driveway connection to the paved county road with a dump truck carrying twenty-five tons of rip-rap suitable rock is not a matter for serious consideration.

And, that is the best section of internal roadways aboard the Colonel's vast holdings.

The twenty-five tons of rip-rap suitable rock sits at the end of the Colonel's drive on the shoulder of the road. The Colonel has not measured the exact altitude of Rip-Rap Mountain's summit, but you can see the Rocky Mountains from the top. Rip-Rap Mountain is approximately maximum effective rifle range due East of the Big House at Eegeebeegee. The Bridge at Eegeebeegee is approximately maximum effective rifle range due West of the Big House. See where this is going?

The Colonel must move twenty-five tons of rip-rap suitable rock from its present location to its future site using his trusty red tractor, Semper Field, and his rusty red truck, Semper Fillit. For the past couple of days the Colonel has toyed with this mission. Any time he is down at the road, the Colonel loads a few hundred pounds of rock in the bed of Semper Fillit by hand (the Colonel is never one to use his head when his back will do), drives back to the bridge site and unloads the rock by hand. The Colonel feels this hands-on effort is necessary to allow for careful quality assurance inspection of each and every component of the monument to Motrin that is the Bridge at Eegeebeegee.

In the midst of one such inspect-load-transport-unload iteration the other day, the Colonel ceased from his labors and climbed to the summit of Rip-Rap Mountain to view Pike's Peak. As he stood upon the mount, breathing the thin air at altitude, the Colonel's keen senses detected a slight tremor. Seems the Colonel's endeavors at the foot of the mountain had served to weaken the foundation of rip-rap suitable rock along one of the mound's faces.

Lucky for Hawaii, Eegeebeegee is not located on the West Coast of these re-United States, as the ensuing avalanche, were it to have crashed into the Pacific, would have surely sent a tsunami of epic proportions racing westward.

At the apex of the Mount Rip-Rap, the Colonel hopped and skipped with the reflexes and nimbleness of a man half his age. Unfortunately, the Colonel is of such an advanced age that halving his years produces no appreciable amount of youth, nor corresponding reflexes and nimbleness.

As luck would have it, the Colonel was perched on one particularly massive and relatively flat rock and managed to surf his way down the collapsing face of rip-rap suitable rock. As the slide culminated at zero AGL, the Colonel dismounted lightly from his conveyance, took a three-step momentum-slowing jog and came to the correct position of attention, county road-center. Breaking discipline, the Colonel swung his head and eyes left and right to check for oncoming traffic, and to ensure that his mishap had not been witnessed.

There's enough rumors circulating around here about the Colonel as it is!
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