Sunday, April 09, 2006

Incommunicado

I believe I am on the cusp of discovering a new malady. More and more often nowadays the love of my life lapses into gibberish. Her speech comes out in phrases that make absolutely no sense in the context of the particular discussion or command she is giving me. Even more puzzling is the fact that she only seems to lapse into nonsensical speech during her communicative interactions with me. In my great concern for her health and social functioning I have canvassed all of the rest of our family and her close associates. None of them report observation of the phenomenon. This must indeed be a rare, perhaps never before seen, condition.

In the faint hope that one of the six readers of this blog has advanced medical training and can help me diagnose this condition, I will provide an example.

The other day she placed herself in the spousal interrupt position, front and center of the television, and asked, "Would you like some hash?" As we had just finished dinner and she was cleaning up the kitchen, this seemed a rather strange question. I assumed the spousal interrupt avoidance position (head craned to the side to look around her at the television), and reminded her ever so gently that we had just eaten, but that if she wanted to bring me some ice cream that would be nice.

Evidently this malady has two stages, the second stage being an involuntary placing of hands on hips accompanied by a scowl and punctuated with a foot stomp. It must be very frustrating when one starts to lose their ability to communicate.

Symptoms of this condition also seem to include denial and transference of blame. As I love my wife dearly, and believe absolutely in the wedding vow "in sickness and in health," I will humor her and try very hard not to miss the appointment she has made for me at the audiologist.

Gotta go. My bride is calling me to come "watch the fishes" and I like to encourage her any time she shows interest in my outdoor activities.
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