Thursday, April 29, 2010

Idiocy Supremacy

The Colonel is an idiot and everyone around him suffers the consequences. Allow him to offer case in point.

The Chickens of Eegeebeegee are rapidly outgrowing the brooder box the Colonel built for their early childhood development and the Colonel has been laboring over a design/build chicken coop (with integral hen house) to house said rapidly growing yard birds. By the beginning of this week the frame of the coop was completed and tin from a neighbor's shed, destroyed by the tornado two years ago, was salvaged and cut to fit the roof rafters.

Remember, for future reference, the Colonel is an idiot.

Yesterday, a stack of tin was loaded on the back of the Colonel's rusty red pick-up truck, Semper Fillit, and parked next to the coop. Said stack of tin was jutting out the back of the pick-up bed. The above-ground-level altitude of a stack of tin jutting out the back of a pick-up bed is approximately head-high on a four year-old. The Colonel recognized the need to unload the stack, but procrastinated.

Yep, next to the definition of idiot in Webster's is a picture of the Colonel.

The Colonel's little buddy, the Hope of 21st Century Civilization-Dash One (H21CC-1), proved beyond a shadow a doubt in any mind that the Colonel is an idiot. Things do not turn out well when four year-old cheeks and tin occupy the same space--at least not for the cheek.

Of all the idiots identified throughout history and cataloged by degree of idiocy, the Colonel's case for idiot-in-chief easily holds supremacy.

The Colonel is not just a garden variety village idiot. Oh, no. If states had official idiots, he would be Mississippi's. And probably Alabama's and Louisiana's, as well.

Luckily, Tennessee already has Al Gore.

The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda, who has never had a speeding ticket, broke several land speed records getting H21CC-1 to the local emergency room, while the Colonel remained at home with H21CC-2 and rapidly turned into a quivering mass of self-recrimination.

Actually, the Colonel managed to maintain a modicum of calm while he called H21CC-1's parents at work, before rapidly turning into a quivering mass of self-recrimination.

Has the Colonel mentioned that he is an idiot?

Turns out the bravest soul in this whole extended family trauma was actually the victim of the Colonel's idiocy. H21CC-1 ceased crying approximately 30 seconds after the collision with the stack of tin that laid his cheek open, and never seriously tuned up again--even while the finest plastic surgeon in all the land stitched him back up.

The Colonel, by contrast, has teared up continually since the incident.

There is nothing more pitiful than a crying idiot.
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