Monday, June 21, 2010

Simmer Solstice Sanctuary Statement

If this record-breaking heat keeps up, the Colonel may have to issue a public apology to Al Gore.

The official start of the calendar summer season in the northern hemisphere may be today, but it has been hotter than a pot-bellied stove lid here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere for the better part of the past three weeks. The combination of heat and humidity has made it all but impossible for the Colonel to accomplish any outside chores, and with the vast holdings of the Colonel and his kin having doubled recently there's more to do than ever. There are more fields to bush-hog, another bridge to be built, and don't get the Colonel started on the pressing need to start preparing food plots for the upcoming hunting seasons.

It occurs to the Colonel that perhaps the Tallahatchie Free State could increase the availability of cheap labor, and thereby decrease the likelihood of the Colonel spontaneously combusting, if it were to declare itself a Sanctuary Republic.

As the number of residents is quickly outstripping the number of citizens aboard Eegeebeegee (capital of the virtual republic founded tongue-in-cheek and hand-on-wallet), sanctuary status would only be extended to persons who qualify for admission to the Tallahatchie Free State as citizens. Whereas citizenship in the Tallahatchie Free State is contingent upon honorable United States military service--veterans of para-military organizations such as police, firefighters, and the U.S. Air Force may also qualify (with waiver granted by the Colonel)--sanctuary status can only be legally extended to those who have demonstrated acceptance of the idea of sacrificial service to a cause larger than themselves.

With increasingly large areas of the once-sovereign territory of these re-United States tacitly ceded to drug cartels, human traffickers, and other nefarious interlopers--by the nefarious interlopers now occupying positions of authority in the federal government--the Colonel reckons that there must soon be a steady stream of refugees from those overrun former outposts of freedom on our southern border; a small, but significant percentage of which should qualify for sanctuary here upon the kudzu-clad rolling hills of the former Chickasaw Nation (that's right, the Colonel is an occupier).

The Colonel encourages qualified sanctuary seekers not to delay in application for admittance. Current acreage (pending future acquisitions, notwithstanding) available for settlement is limited, and the Colonel expects that with an Exxon Valdez-load of crude gushing into the waters, and onto the beaches, of the Gulf of Mississippi (hey, we got as much right to it as anyone) every three or four days, the stream of refugees (and possible sanctuary-seekers) from the Gulf Coast should swell accordingly.

Send hand-written, essay-form application--along with non-refundable 5 Krugerrand application fee to:

The Colonel
End of the Pavement
Eegeebeegee, MS
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