Thursday, June 17, 2010

Belly of the Beast

Walmart, that ubiquitous leviathan of American consumerism, destroyer of the inefficient, employer of the oppressed, and whipping boy of the all those whose adherence to the political platform of progressivism is strangely at odds with their distaste for true progress, encourages us to "join the fight against hunger in America" and claims, dramatically, that "1 in 6 Americans don't know where their next meal is coming from."

Given that the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda suffers extreme allergic reactions when placed in close proximity to meal preparation areas and food cooking appliances, the Colonel reckons that he is one of the “1 in 6.” Two signs hang over the entrances to the room containing the aforementioned meal preparation areas and food cooking appliances in the Big House here at the northern end of deep southern nowhere. The first innocently and accurately proclaims “I kiss better than I cook.”

The second sign warns, “The only reason I have this kitchen is because it came with the house.

In as much as the Colonel’s second favorite pastime (right below the thing that the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda does better than cook) is strapping on the chow bucket, it is perhaps a fortunate thing that the Colonel’s lady is culinary challenged—else the Colonel would be big as a house.

But, back to Walmart's assertion that 1 in 6 Americans is on the verge of starvation-- gonna have to hoist the bovine excrement flag on that one. One need only spend half an hour on a bench in front of the local ubiquitous leviathan of American consumerism to disabuse oneself of any such notion.

Ever notice the thicker section of concrete across the parking lot at the entrance to a Walmart? That's not there to withstand the weight of vehicular traffic.

While Walmart's philanthropy is laudable, the idea that nearly twenty percent of Americans are face-to-face with famine is laughable.

The Colonel has seen starvation, up close and personal. The Colonel has even known hunger, personally. Starvation does not exist, today, in America. And true hunger is a very rare thing in our country. Consider this: if there were one extended-belly, malnourished child in America, would we not be bombarded with that child's picture daily? In our nation, today, food is so abundant and so amazingly affordable, that even the poorest have access to more than adequate nourishment. It has not always been so, nor are we guaranteed that we will be forever so blessed.

But, our current bounteous booties attest to our nation's bounty.

Recent headlines have proclaimed that a majority of our nation's youth are so over-weight and out of shape as to place our nation's future security at risk. The Colonel has experienced this, first hand, as the Marine recruiters under his charge screened hundreds of young men and women each day to find a handful that met the minimum physical standards (read: within weight standards) for military service. We were recruiting, not in the richest counties in the land, but in Appalachia.

Gotta go, the smoke alarm is going off and that means dinner is ready.
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