Thursday, June 03, 2010

Less Cowbell


An ad hoc session of the Peoples' Congress of the Tallahatchie Free State met this morning on the front porch of the Big House at Eegeebeegee to hear a report from the Select Committee on Imposition of Politically Correct Rules to Aggravate Annoying People (SCIPCRAAP) on a recommendation to ban the possession/use/or reference to cowbells on any TFS property or in any building thereon.


Recommendation follows:


Whereas cowbells are the noise-maker of choice for fans of the other SEC school in the Great State of Mississippi; and


Whereas cowbells are by the following reasons deemed politically incorrect:


1. Their use is insensitive to both the hearing challenged and those who wish not to become hearing challenged.


2. Their use is insensitive to the muscle-challenged and as a weapon can cause grievous bodily arm.


3. Their ringing was once used to signal lunch and dinner breaks in the cotton fields.


4. Their use is insensitive to bovines who are reminded of their oppression at the hands of dairy farmers.


5. Their use is insensitive to Alabama fans, who are reminded that even though every official in the SEC is a 'Bama fan, they are still powerless to prevent cowbell ringing.


6. Their use is insensitive to LSU fans and their perpetual hangovers.


7. Their use is insensitive to Tennessee fans, who are made to feel inferior when confronted by anything louder than their clothes.


8. Their use is insensitive to Vanderbilt fans, whose favorite pastime is listening to themselves think.


9. Their use is insensitive to Georgia fans, who are already offended by another SEC school using their mascot.


10. Their use is insensitive to Auburn fans, who take offense at,...well...just about everything.


11. Their use is insensitive to South Carolina and Arkansas fans, who are reminded that they are in the big leagues, now.


12. Their use is insensitive to Florida fans, as the noise prevents them from hearing constant replays of Tim Tebow crying.


13. Their use is insensitive to Kentucky fans, who are trying to listen to replays of Wildcat basketball while their football team implodes, again.


14. Their use is insensitive to Ole Miss fans, who are trying to talk on their cell phones coordinating the after-game party.


Now, therefore, be it resolved this 3rd Day of June in the year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Ten; and of the establishment of the Tallahatchie Free State, the third; that possession/use/mention of a cowbell, or any facsimile thereof, be expressly forbidden; punishment for violation of such prohibition to include forced listening to the Hotty Toddy cheer for an extended period of time.
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