The 1st Congress of the Tallahatchie Free State, a government in opposition formed as much hand on wallet as tongue in cheek (disclaimer provided to deflect the attention of agents from the Department of Homeland Insecurity), met yesterday evening on the front porch of the Big House at Eegeebeegee. The following legislative matters were addressed and resolutions regarding passed rapidly and unanimously--an accomplishment made possible by the fact that due to the measured (read: slow) population growth of the TFS, the Colonel remains the sole voting representative of the people.
Resolved: Nullus Liberum Prandium (No Free Lunch) is hereby and forthwith established as the motto, and operating principle, of the Tallahatchie Free State. Said motto shall be displayed prominently on the great seal, currency, proclamations, and all official correspondence.
Resolved: The Gadsden "Don't Tread on Me" Flag is hereby adopted as the interim official standard of the Tallahatchie Free State, pending design and production of an original and appropriately representative flag. It is further resolved that any proposed official flag shall not include the following: a flower; a color other than red, white, gold, or blue; a bulldog; a tiger; a pig; an alligator; or an elephant.
Resolved: The speed limit within the confines of the boundaries of the Tallahatchie Free State's capital, Eegeebeegee, shall be at the discretion of vehicle operators and shall be consistent with the operator's skill and appropriate to surface conditions. The Minister for Safety (in Perpetuity), the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda, shall exercise sole authority for determination that operators have exceeded their skill and/or demonstrated disregard for surface conditions, and shall issue warnings, stern, regarding same.
Resolved: The taking of fish and game within the confines of the boundaries of the Tallahatchie Free State's capital, Eegeebeegee, shall be allowed only with the approval of the Colonel. Lake Brenda is hereby established as a "catch and release" inpoundment--if the Colonel catches you fishing without permission, he shall release the hounds on you.
Resolved: Gun control being critical for accurate target engagement, the people of the Tallahatchie Free State shall be required to own and demonstrate proficiency with a firearm(s) of their choice.
Resolved: The freedom of speech within the confines of the boundaries of the Tallahatchie Free State's capital, Eegeebeegee, shall be limited only by the stricture that any profane language within earshot of the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda will not be tolerated.
Resolved: The definition of marriage shall be the life-long union of one man and one woman.
Resolved: The definition of life-long shall not be at the discretion of either partner in the above defined union.
Resolved: In recognition of the inviolable natural order of things, the definition and privileges of union partnership shall be at the discretion of the woman.
Resolved: Congresses of the Tallahatchie Free State shall be convened at the discretion of the Colonel and representatives shall not be compensated beyond the provision of food and drink.
Resolved: No taxation of any kind (monetary, goods, or services) shall ever be allowed by the people of the Tallahatchie Free State.
Resolved: Complete enfranchisement as a citizen of the Tallahatchie Free State shall only be enjoyed as a right earned by honorable military, law enforcement, or firefighter service. As their job is universally recognized as tougher, spouses of citizens shall be so enfranchised.
The First Congress of the Tallahatchie Free State was adjourned and disbanded immediately upon the Colonel's detection of the microwave alarm signifying that the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda had completed preparation of the evening meal.