Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Don't have the Votes

The Colonel was asked recently (by someone who obviously didn't know the Colonel very well) why he wouldn't toss his hat into the political ring. The short answer is that there are no skeletons in the Colonel's closet -- more like rotting corpses.

The long answer is that the Colonel is disqualified from politics by evaluation against every possible measurement. Let's review the checklist, shall we?

1. The Colonel is an angry white guy from Mississippi who adamantly opposes the "fundamental transformation of America" promised by Barrack Obama. That makes him, according to the current politically correct measurement, a "racist."

2. If the foregoing conclusion is accepted, the fact that the Colonel opposes the policy positions of Nancy Pelosi makes him a "misogynist."

3. The Colonel loves his wife--the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda--with all of his mind, body, and soul. That makes the Colonel a closed-minded "homophobe."

4. The Colonel seeks to follow Jesus' teachings. That makes him "intolerant."

5. The Colonel practices a balanced approach to child rearing; employing impassioned positive leadership and example-setting, reinforced with dispassionate attention-getting and boundary-establishing corporal punishment. He is, therefore, a "masochistic child-abuser."

6. The Colonel not only owns more guns than musical instruments, but is more than adequately proficient in their employment. This makes the Colonel "dangerous."

You have no idea how "dangerous."

7. The Colonel owns a sawmill and a chainsaw, both of which have seen significant action. This does not endear him to the tree-huggin' set.

8. The Colonel eats meat. Lots of it. Some of which he kills and cleans himself. There goes the Vegan/PETA vote.

9. The Colonel reads and thinks for himself and thinks Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck should be listened to only if there is absolutely nothing else on, and unintelligible back-ground noise is needed for relaxation. The Colonel does not suffer fools, clowns and dancing bears well. Don't even get the Colonel started on the breathlessly brainless babble bubbling from the likes of Maddow and Olbermann. So much for the "illiterate vote."

10. Last, but certainly not least, the Colonel is disqualified from political life due to an over-abundance of self-respect.
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