Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Very Bad Things

I've detected a significant trend of negativity in the moronic media's 2007 retrospectives. Seems the only noteworthy events from the past year were all deaths, tragedies, disasters, or vice presidential hunting accidents. Don't know about you, but I can come up with a much longer list of great things that happened in 2007 than of the bad things. Of course, my list of great things will be much more oriented to what happened to me personally--most of which have already been chronicled in previous posts here at the The Colonel's Corner.

Perhaps even more importantly, there were a lot of very bad things that didn't happen in 2007. We Marines have a tendency to put pain in perspective. When I experienced appendicitis four years ago, the doctor asked me to rate the pain I was having on a scale of 1 to 10--10 being the worst pain I could imagine. Anyone with an inkling of the varied horrible ways to become a battlefield casualty can imagine some quite terrible pain. So, I told the Doc, through clenched teeth, "about a 4." That answer relegated me to several more hours of languishing in line in the emergency room behind the kid with the pea up his left nostril and the woman with a hangnail. The next time I got asked to rate the pain, I concentrated on the face of Miss Brenda and grunted, "She's a ten!"

So, to my way of thinking, while 2007 may not have been the year of milk and honey, world peace, and my Rebels in the SEC Championship Game, there were a few things I'm happy to say didn't happen in 2007 and I fervently hope not to see in 2008. They are enumerated below in no particular order of importance.

1. An asteroid the size of Kansas did not hit the big blue marble, thereby erasing all life except cockroaches.

2. Brittany Spears' mother did not give birth to a third child.

3. The North Koreans did not retake Seoul.

4. The Miami Dolphins did not go winless in the same season that the New England Patriots equalled the Dolphin's 1972 undefeated regular season accomplishment.

5. Al Qaeda did not pop a nuke in a US city, or any other city in the world, for that matter.

6. The Writers' Guild strike did not end in time to prevent reruns of some really good old movies during the holidays.

7. The worldwide coffee harvest did not fail, thereby depriving me of a good use for the permanent crook in my left index finger.

8. Fidel Castro did not die, thereby allowing me more time to build up my savings for the Cuban Land Rush when he does finally go to the hot reward reserved for all good marxists.

9. Al Gore did not get awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for a hoax... oh... wait...

And finally, in at the end for no particular rhyme or reason...

10. Causing you to waste your time reading this blog did not become prosecutable, although certainly remaining offensive.

Happy New Year!

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