It has been a wetter than normal year so far here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere and the vegetation growth across the breadth of the Colonel's vast holdings has been a small percentage of nitrate short of explosive.
The Colonel and his child bride -- the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda -- spend an inordinate amount of their retired time maintaining scores of acres of the Colonel's vast holdings in a state of manicured perfection the likes of which won "Yard of the Month" several times when they were stationed at Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island.
The yard at Parris Island was less than an acre.
The Colonel has -- he kids thee not -- a veritable fleet of yard machines (in various states of repair and disrepair) and a bushog attachment for his tractor, Semper Field. The Colonel has worn out his tractor and needs a new one, but the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda hasn't been convinced of that need just yet. What she has been convinced of -- because she is the primary driver of them -- is the need for a new yard machine. But, not just a new yard tractor...
She wanted something bigger.
She wanted something stronger.
She wanted a commercial grade machine that would cut grass quicker than the clippers cut recruits' hair at the Parris Island barber shop.
She wanted a machine that would mow a four foot swath of yard at velocities approaching the speed of stink at a chitterling cooking contest.
She wanted a machine that would plow through the acreage surrounding the Big House here aboard Egeebeegee like Sherman through Jimmy Carter's home state.
She wanted a machine that she could strap on and fly.
The Colonel and the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda will celebrate (with appropriate pomp and circumstance) forty-two years of wedded bliss on the last day of the current month. The Colonel has expended considerable effort finding just the right gift to symbolize his appreciation for the unwavering faithfulness, indomitable patience, and indefatigable fighting spirit displayed by his bride over the last forty-two years.
He got her a Husqvarna MZT52 zero turn mower pushed by a 23 horsepower Kohler engine (imagine the Colonel's best Tim the Toolman monosyllabic man grunt here).
The Colonel wonders what she'll get him.