Monday, February 06, 2017

Diaper Bowl

The Colonel heard a story this morning about a man named Brady, whose bunch pulled off the most improbable of comebacks to win a football game that occasionally interrupted the debuts of specially designed commercials.

The Colonel wouldn't know.  He didn't watch.

The most important football game in his year occurred the day before:  The Annual First Baptist Church of Abbeville Youth Versus Adult Flag Football Classic

Ordinarily, the Colonel makes an appearance, plugs in for a few plays, and then provides moral support from the sidelines for the balance of the game. In case you missed it, the Colonel is now officially "old," having recently marked the completion of his 61st air-breathing lap around the sun.  So, the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda has not-so gently placed restrictions on the Colonel's gridiron glory-seeking.

The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda had a near-catastrophic lapse in her supervisory effort Saturday morning, however.  Well, actually, her mistake was trusting the Colonel to go to the game by himself with his assurances to her that he would not play but a couple of series of downs at the most.

See, the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda knows that if the Colonel completely gives up playing football due to his physical age, he'll shortly thereafter start using his advanced age as an excuse and completely give up just about every other physical activity (to include putting on trousers in the morning).

Believe him when he tells you, "the Colonel's legs ain't for show."

The Colonel fully intended to keep his promise of minimal participation.  He did.  Honest.

The problem was, not enough youth showed up and the "Diaper Rule" was invoked.

The "Diaper Rule," stipulates that in the event one team or another is short players, either as a result of no-shows or mid-game emergency room trips, the teams' numbers will be balanced enough to continue play by shifting to the under-loaded team the player(s) on the over-loaded team closest to diaper-wearing age.

The Colonel played on the Youth Team.    

Every play of the game.  

Both ways.

The Colonel made several mental notes for future reference during the course of the game.

1.  Pursuit angles require age adjustment.

2.  Finding the fourth gear is a lot harder when you can't find the third gear to begin with.

3.  Climate Change seems to have reduced the amount of oxygen in the atmosphere.

4.  Spirals are overrated.

The main reason the Colonel didn't watch the Super Bowl on Sunday evening was the severe lactic acid build-up in his quadriceps made even reaching for the remote painful beyond description.  The Colonel's leg muscles were on strike and every other muscle in his body refused to cross the picket line.

The Colonel needs to brush up on his Morse Code.  The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was having a hard time deciphering the Colonel's blinks and we watched her shows instead of the football game.   


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