The sign on the wall in the kitchen says, "The only reason I have this kitchen is it came with the house."
The Colonel's Lady, the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda, is no stranger to the kitchen. It's just that they aren't normally on speaking terms.
Make no mistake. Miss Brenda cooks. And, well.
She just isn't addicted to it.
The Colonel probably has his still battle-ready physique to thank for that. He's a food-a-holic. If Miss Brenda really liked to cook, the Colonel would be as big as a house.
Most southern women have a signature dish. One that is remembered generationally and spoken of in the reverence and awe normally reserved for SEC football coaches.
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda doesn't sign autographs.
There is, however, an exception to every rule. In the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's case, the "These hands shall not touch pot nor skillet" commandment is broken every year around the end of June and the beginning of July.
Here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere fiendish flora flower and fruit. Eleven months out of the year, the thorn-bearing canes elicit howls of pain and misery from errant passersby.
But, yea, verily in the twelfth month the cane doth produce heavenly fruit.
Just writing that word makes the Colonel's mouth water.
And, what the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda can do with a mess of blackberries should probably be illegal.
She makes blackberry jam.
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's blackberry jam would bring peace to the Middle East.
If Marse Robert had put a jar of the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's blackberry jam on the table in front of him at Appomattox Courthouse, Grant would have surrendered to Lee.
Familial fistfights have broken out in the Colonel's household over the last jar of the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's blackberry jam.
The Colonel kids thee not, when extended family visits from out of town, the first thing they do is present the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda with an empty jar. The Colonel's Lady reciprocates with a new jar of jam and familial peace is assured for the remainder of the visit.
A spoonful of the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's blackberry jam slathered on a piece of cardboard will make you run out and buy stock in Georgia Pacific.
For the 'Bama fans and LSU "colige graduits" who may be scratching hat racks: Georgia Pacific is a company that makes cardboard. Miss Brenda's jam is so good that...
...oh, never mind.