Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Boom or Bust?

The Colonel ain't as old as his grandsons (the Hope of 21st Century Civilization, Dashes One and Two) think -- their recent estimates range from "about eighty" to "a hundred and something" -- but, he is old enough to have personally experienced several predicted, prophesied, and even scientifically postulated apocalyptic "ends of the world.

In lieu of a frantically boring and unimaginably unoriginal recounting of the past year, the Colonel thought instead that he would provide a review of apocalyptic busts just to set the mood for the forthcoming Mayan Calendar Polar Shift Zombie Rampage Planetary Collision Nuclear Winter.

For the Bama and LSU grads -- among the rapidly expanding electronic circulation of these missives -- feverishly grinding out those wonderfully informative holiday family newsletters replete with the obligatory RTRs and corndog recipes, you may continue your feverish grinding happy in the knowledge that, Mayan Calendar Polar Shift Zombie Rampage Planetary Collision Nuclear Winter hysteria notwithstanding, the day after tomorrow will not bring an end to your annual provision of hysterical reading material (not to mention hideous pictures of family in pachyderm-printed sweatshirts in front of your faux-log fireplace).

Yep.  The Colonel assures you, this one will be a bust in but a long line of busts.

Let's review the apocalyptic busts, of which the Colonel has personal knowledge, shall we?

Remember Y2K?


How about any of Jeanne Dixon's predictions?


The election of Barack Obama?


The re-election of Barack Obama?

Yet to be seen..., but likely no apocalypse.  So, bust.

Black hole created by the CERN particle accelerator?


How about the 1970's prediction of an impending Ice Age?


The Colonel could go on, but you get the drift.

In addition to the long list of world-wide apocalyptic prediction busts, the Colonel would add the following personal "end of the world as he knew it" prognostication busts.

The Colonel's father's warning that if he didn't get his "act together" he wouldn't "see a 21st birthday."  Love you, Dad, but you blew that call. 

The Colonel still ain't got his "act together" and he is rapidly approaching completion of a second lap of the 21 mile post.

And who can forget the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's prediction that the Marine Corps would survive the Colonel's retirement from active duty?

An aviator commandant?  Epic bust.

So, crawl into your survival bunker tomorrow night if you must.  Have a sleepless night wondering whether you will have enough time to snap a picture of Nibiru and post it to your FaceBook page before it slams into Earth.

The Colonel will remain above ground and be here -- God willing -- when Ol' Sol clears the eastern horizon on the morning of the 22nd. 

Even so, maranatha!
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