Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Congressional Nihilism

In recognition of the 209th anniversary of the election of Thomas Jefferson as the 3rd President of these re-United States, the Colonel this morning convened a special joint session of the Second Congress and Executive Cabinet of the Tallahatchie Free State, a virtual republic established as much hand-on-wallet as tongue-in-cheek, for the purpose of considering weighty matters of state. As is tradition aboard Eegeebeegee--capital of the TFS; situated prominently at the northern end of southern nowhere--the Colonel, the people's representative (single and sovereign), presided over the proceedings ensconced in the Chesty Puller rocker on the front porch of the Big House.

The first order of business was a report from the Minister of the Environment, the Right Honorable Idon Feelmafeet, whose observation that it was colder than an Ole Miss sorority girl's heart outside resulted in his nomination for a Mastery of the Obvious award. Said nomination will be considered at the next regularly irregular editorial meeting for the purpose of planning the next regularly irregular installment of the Colonel's Monday Morning MOTO Awards. Minister Feelmafeet also reported that the Climate Change Bill has been sent back to conference in order to further obfuscate the wording so as to make it as unintelligible and omni-applicable as possible. The Colonel approved the minister's report and ordered that at the yet unscheduled joint session of the TFS Third Congress and Executive Cabinet a report on the effect of climate change on next Fall's duck, deer and football seasons be provided.

The Minister of the Interior, the Right Honorable Sawyer N. Builder, reported on the status of Eegeebeegee infrastructure and Big House interior capital improvement projects. The Colonel congratulated the minister on completion of Phase I of the Big House Closet Remodeling Project and reminded that Phases II through IV are behind schedule and in danger of extending into the crappie and turkey seasons. A report on the progress of the bridge at Caleb's Crossing elicited similar reminders of the sure work-stoppage to occur during the March/April time frame as Eegeebeegee's permanent workforce (the Colonel) will, without doubt, break for the aforementioned holidays.

The Minister of Finance, the Right Honorable Cash N. Carry, reported that the TFS Debt to GDP ratio was at an unacceptable 35%, but on the decline. The Colonel noted with pleasure Minister Carry's report that the TFS continues to operate with a budget surplus, debt payments notwithstanding.

The Minister of Health, the Right Honorable U. R. Lukingood, reported that the prevalence of obesity aboard Eegeebeegee remains at 0%. Immediately prior to his sacking, the Health Minister opined that the Colonel, while not technically obese, was edging ever so slightly toward the upper limit of the Marine Corps height and weight standards and might consider placing himself on voluntary weight control. Upon installment of Lukingood's successor, Kip N. Matrapshut, the Colonel directed that all scales aboard Eegeebeegee be taken in for recalibration and that the larders be emptied of cookies forthwith.

Despite the presence of numerous other items of TFS business on the agenda, the Colonel summarily adjourned the 2d Congress and Cabinet joint session due to the fact that the Ole Miss sorority girl's heart had not warmed perceptively and the Colonel's coffee cup, around which his fingers were stiffly and coldly wrapped, was empty and, as a means of caffeine delivery, devoid of meaning--kinda like this post.
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