She's a very sensitive soul, so the Colonel never really took her seriously.
Besides, the Colonel never heard himself snoring.
A few years ago, the Colonel began to detect that the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was becoming even more sensitive. Her nocturnal activities were becoming more pronounced and increasingly directed at the Colonel.
He was starting to lose sleep.
Where a gentle midnightly nudge had heretofore roused the Colonel from the depths of slumber just enough to cause him to adjust his sleep position to a supposedly snore-safe modified prone position, the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was now resorting to an ever so-slightly increased physical pressure...
Whooomp! "Breath!!!"
"Wha..! Sweetie! Why did you just punch me in the chest?"
"You weren't breathing!"
"Whaddaya mean the Colonel wasn't breathing? He'll die if he stops breathing!"
"I know!" The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was clearly concerned with the Colonel's health and welfare.
"Look, Honey, the Colonel appreciates your clear concern for his health and welfare, but let him explain to you how respiration works. Involuntary muscle contractions expand and compress the chest cavity, forcing air in and out of the lungs. There's a slight pause between exhalation and inhalation -- that doesn't mean the Colonel has 'stopped breathing'."
"I know how breathing works, knucklehead! Remember, I'm the one in the family with the real education. You had stopped breathing for a longer time than just a slight pause!"
"Dear, a business degree from Mississippi University for Women hardly qualifies you to make medical judgments."
"Well, a Master of Science in Human Resource Management from Troy State doesn't make you a scientist!" The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was adding educational insult to sleep injury.
"Okay, Babe," the Colonel recognized that the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was clearly not sleeping well and her mood was suffering as a result.
"The Colonel can tell that you aren't sleeping well and it's making you a bit cranky..."
"Cranky! Why, you old goat! You stop breathing for almost a minute and then you make this loud snort and gasp, and it wakes me up thinking the roof is collapsing!"
"Dear, you needn't fear for the structural integrity of the Big House..."
"Knucklehead, a BA in Poli Sci from Ole Miss hardly makes you qualified to make engineering judgments!"
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's sleep-deprivation driven agitation was elevating the animus in the room and making it hard for the Colonel to keep the discussion focused on the facts. He switched to his tried and true method of marital conflict resolution.
"Yes, ma'am. What do you want the Colonel to do?"
"I want you to go have a sleep study done."
"Yes, ma'am."
A month ago the Colonel spent the night at a sleep clinic in town. The sleep study specialist wired up the Colonel with more leads than an ANTIFA riot investigation. The Colonel quickly fell into a deep sleep -- old infantry habits die hard -- and he was soon dreaming the dreams of a clear conscience...
Okay. His dreams are actually quite disturbing, but that's not important right now...
Suddenly, bright lights and a strident voice disturbed the Colonel's disturbing dreams... "Mr. Gregory! Wake up!"
"It's Colonel!"
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Never mind. Man, that was a quick night..."
"Oh, no sir, you've only been asleep for two hours. You have severe sleep apnea, Mr. Gregory, and we need to..."
"Colonel. Colonel Gregory."
"Okay, that's cute Mr. Gregory." The sleep study specialist was clearly in need of some remedial training in military customs and courtesies. "You stop breathing for extended periods of time. We need to put you on a CPAP machine."
"A cee, what?"
"CPAP." The military customs and courtesies challenged sleep study specialist was struggling to pull a velcro-strapped contraption over the Colonel's head. The Colonel was not cooperating.
"What is this velcro-strapped contraption you're trying to put on the Colonel? Just go away and let him get back to sleep -- the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda ain't here punching him in the chest every hour..."
"Mr. Gregory, why are referring to yourself in the third person?" The question was just enough of a distraction that while the Colonel paused his physical resistance to formulate a witty, yet educational, response, the military customs and courtesies challenged sleep specialist was able to slide the velcro-strapped contraption over the Colonel's lead-covered noggin and position a soft plastic cup over the Colonel's nose.
High pressure air was pumping from the soft plastic cup over the Colonel's nose. He opened his mouth to tell the military customs and courtesies challenged sleep specialist that there was a high pressure air leak somewhere in the system...
"Gaaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaraaagh!" The Colonel's open pie hole provided an escape route for the high volume air pushing into his nose and he felt like he was recreating a scene from "The Exorcist." "Aaaooogaaahaarrr! Maaagoorafff!"
"Try to keep your mouth closed, Mr. Gregory, and breath normally through your nose." The military customs and courtesies challenged sleep specialist's calm voice told the Colonel that not only had she not yet grasped the fine points of addressing a senior, if retired, Marine officer; but, she was still completely unaware of the high pressure air leak in the system.
"Iaat's Caaawnuull! Caaawnull Graaawgaawwry!" The Colonel was beginning to gain control over the high pressure air demon possessing his respiratory passages. "Yooovv gaaawtaa haaah praaasssa aaar leaaak aain yooorrr saassstiiim!"
"Try to relax, Mr. Gregory. The CPAP machine's positive airflow will help keep your air passages open so that you won't snore and won't stop breathing. Go back to sleep, now."
"Oawwkayy. Bahhtha waayy, iaaht's 'Cawwnull'."
"Good night, Mr. Gregory."
Funny thing, the Colonel is not only waking up each morning far more rested than before, but his chest isn't sore and bruised anymore.
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