Big Critters

The Colonel's vast holdings at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere -- known to him and the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda as Egeebeegee -- ain't an easy place to find.  As the Colonel told a sub-contractor working on renovations to the big house who remarked about the location, "You've got to be wanting to come here.  You aren't going to just drive by this place."

Everyone who pulls off of the road through the middle of nowhere and up the long drive that curls around Lake Brenda, climbs out of their vehicle with nearly the same comment:

"Beautiful place you got here."

And then, "Any deer in these woods?"

The Colonel has taken to replying to that query with, "Nope.  The elk keep 'em run off."

The response is always a variation on the same theme,  "Elk?  Did you say you got elk out here?  Didn't know we had any elk in Mississippi.  Least wise I ain't never seen one."

 The Colonel twitches the lure enticingly, "Been watching a herd down by Lake Brenda all morning.  You musta drove right by 'em."

"Lake Brenda? Oh, you mean that there little pond between here and the road."  

"It's not a pond!  It's a lake!  Lake Brenda! 

"Uh, okay.  Whatever, mister.

"Colonel."

"Whut?"

"Not a mister.  Colonel.  Call me Colonel."

"Huh?  Oh.., heh, heh.  You mean like Colonel Reb.  I'm a State fan muhself.  Hayul State!"

"Figured as much, with your diesel pickup all painted up maroon and white..."

"Purdy ain't it.  Hayul State!"

"Musta been the diesel smoke that spooked the elk"

"Seriously?  Didn't see 'em."

The Colonel reels up the slack in the line and sets the hook, "My elk are really hard to spot.  Imported a special breed from Colorado a few years back.  Game ranch out there does gene splicing and crossed an especially elusive elk with a hyperactive chameleon..."

"They crossed a eyulk with one of them little fellas from the insurance commercial?

"Gecko."

"Tha's whut ah sayed.  Gecko insurance."

  

Or..., "Any fish in yore pond?"

"Lake.  It's a lake.  Ponds don't have names.  That's Lake Brenda."

"Uh..., okay, mister..."

"It's Colonel..."

"You mean like Colonel Reb?  I'm a 'Bama fan, muhself.  Roll tide!"

"Never would have guessed, what with the great big A on the hood of your pick-up..."

"Purdy ain't it?  Roll Tide!  Hunnert and fifty-two Nachnul Champ'ships!"

"You ever even been to Tuscaloosa?"

"Nope, but it's on muh buckit list!  Hey, you got enny fish in that there pond?  I'd like to bring the younguns out and let 'em fish..."

"No fish in Lake Brenda -- the gator ate 'em all."

"Gator!  You got a gator in yore pond?!?"

"Yep.  Big one.  Seen it pull an elk down..."

"A eyulk!  You got elk out here!"


Don't even get the Colonel started on the black panthers and sasquatches...