The Colonel Ain't Modern

There's a foul, simpering creature masquerading as an American man nowadays.  The Colonel calls 'em YUCKs -- Yankee Urban Civilian Knuckleheads.  Recently, a YUCK gained some wildly undeserved attention by opining on the attributes of "the modern man" in the New York Times.  Said YUCK's opinions are enumerated below, interspersed with the Colonel's not-so humble ripostes.

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

-- The Colonel doesn't buy shoes for the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda.  But, he does know she wears a size 6 in muck boots.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

-- The Colonel's confidence never sinks.  He sinks other's confidence.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

-- The Colonel rarely subjects himself to the enhanced interrogation technique that is attendance at a movie along with the flotsam and jetsam of modern American society; and, when he does, he ain't paying three bucks for ten cents worth of popcorn.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

-- Filet?  It's T-bone for the Colonel; and, standby to watch him gnaw on the bone.  

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

-- Car?  The Colonel's rusty red pick-up, Semper Fillit, gets jealous if the Colonel even looks at a car.  

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

-- The Colonel ain't got watch, nor cell phone.  You have no idea how liberating that is.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

-- The Colonel drinks Mountain Dew.  Dr. Pepper is a girl's drink.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

-- The correct military terminology is "helo" or "bird."  Stupid YUCK.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

-- Daughters are great, but not necessary for manhood completion. Uniformed service to the Republic, on the other hand, is the most surefire way to become a well-rounded American.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

-- The Colonel calls this MOTO (mastery of the obvious).  Did this YUCK not have a mother?  Or, did he have to find an ap to tell him this?

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

-- Tweet?

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

-- What, no foo-foo body wash?  Poser.  YUCK.

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

-- Wu-Tang?  Explains a lot.

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

-- Grocery list?  Seriously?

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

-- The Colonel's progeny never had to judge his mood by the sound of his boots striking the deck -- his mood was always bad.

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

-- Skip down to 25.  Nuff said.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

-- Melon baller?  Pervert.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

-- To go with your 20 pairs of shoes, YUCK?  Girl.

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

-- Well, even a YUCK can get one out of twenty-seven right..

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

-- C'mon, grow a set...

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

-- Apple doughnut?  Guess they ain't got Krispy Kremes way up there at the North Pole, huh?

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

-- "Half"-naked?  The Colonel's vast holdings here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere allow for full nudity whenever he is so inclined, it just isn't real smart -- what with the abundance of ticks, skeeters, and chiggers.      

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

-- Snob.  YUCK.

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

-- See 6.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

-- The Colonel finds firearms to be some of the most useful tools in his kit -- he has many, many firearms.  The Colonel also has seven different hammers, two dozen screwdrivers, four chainsaws, two table saws, three utility trailers, and a tractor with five different implements.  See 16 above -- this YUCK probably thinks he'll have time to discuss Marquis of Queensbury rules with an intruder...

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

-- The Colonel hasn't cried since he found out his mother was a civilian.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

-- The Colonel don't paint; the Colonel don't sing in public; and the Colonel don't dance.

Mississippi Pride

The last games of the 2014 college football regular season were played in a paroxysm of prideful rivalry this past weekend.  

Here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere, the annual intrastate grudge match between the Colonel's Ole Miss Rebels and the Mississippi State Bulldogs kicked off Saturday afternoon with passion and potential perhaps at an all time high for an "Egg Bowl."

Both teams began the season with great expectations.   Halfway through the season both teams were 7 and 0.  

Unprecedented.      

At one point, State and Ole Miss were together in the top 4 of the preliminary new College Football Championship playoff poll -- thanks primarily to State's wins over perennial powerhouses LSU and Auburn; and Ole Miss' wins over Alabama and A&M.

Unbelievable.

The SEC, and the SEC West in particular, seemed to be turned upside down.  The talk at mid-season was that the Egg Bowl, not the Iron Bowl, would decide the West.  That certainly was the Colonel's fondest wish.

But the SEC West wasn't so much turned upside down as it was just settled into a rare equilibrium of really good teams from "top to bottom."  That kind of high-quality balance in a seven-team division of a "power-five" conference makes for some great football.

It also makes it nearly impossible for any team to get to the conference championship unscathed.   When you have a conference full of legitimate contenders, the likelihood is that championship-chances cannibalism will result.  

Does anyone really believe that FSU would be undefeated at this point playing in the SEC? 

But, most of the above falls under the rod and cone wasting category of MOTO -- Mastery of the Obvious.  Apologies.

What probably sets the Colonel apart from nearly every other football fan in the great state of Mississippi is that he doesn't hate the other Mississippi school (far too much hate already invested in Bama and LSU -- none left for State) and he has a fairly rigid (but not completely binding) "no-gloating" rule.

To call the Colonel "old school" would be an understatement rivalling Custer's "Troopers, things are about to get interesting."

The Colonel has never been a big fan of "smack talk;" never liked taunting; never liked "rubbing it in;" never thought much of outlandish celebration of a score or victory.

Well, he says "never," but the truth is the Colonel probably did a little bit too much of all of the above early in his formative years.  At some point in the last four decades of his "adulthood" (and the Colonel uses that term as loosely as a newborn's diaper deposit) the Colonel began to emulate the example of some really great leaders (his dear old Dad among them) and sought increasingly to veneer over his fanaticism with a liberal dose of sportsmanship.

For the LSU and Bama fans who may have stumbled across this post in a cyber Monday Christmas gift search for corndog sampler gift packs or pachyderm-printed bathroom tissue, the term "sportsmanship" does not involve the following (many of which the Colonel has seen in person on more than one occasion):

Cursing at and taunting a five year old in opposing team colors.

Screaming profanities at ladies in opposing team colors.

Killing trees on the opposing team's campus.

Throwing whiskey bottles at opposing team fans.   

The Colonel could go on, but you get his drift.  At some point we should all take a deep breath and remember the words of that great humanitarian and philosopher of the human condition, Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?" 

For the record, the Colonel is more than just a bit disappointed in the Rebel Nation derision directed toward crushed State fans.  The Colonel is not a fan of the "#FailState" meme.  The Colonel believes we are better than that.  

Take the high road, Rebels.  Love is the greater force.  Leave the hate-generation to Coach Mullen.  Our coach says it best:  "We don't play out of hate for the other team; we play out of love for each other."

The Colonel really likes that philosophy -- it's the philosophy upon which was built the really great teams of Marines with which he served.   

The Colonel congratulates Mississippi State on their best season ever.  You should be very proud.  Heck, the Colonel is proud of you.  

State and Ole Miss have a record-setting combined regular season win / loss total of 19 and 5.  Wins in bowl games will give both Mississippi schools at least 10 wins in the same season for the first time, ever!

Next year, let's finish this the right way:  Egg Bowl decides the West. 

Mississippi First!

The (Ever Nearer) Coming War with China

Nearly two years ago the Colonel rocked the geopolitical world with his mastery of the obvious (http://www.thecolonelscorner.blogspot.com/2008/05/coming-war-with-china.html). In that widely-read post (the Colonel had to remove a boot to count the total readers), the Colonel posited that war with the Peoples Republic of China was a looming inevitability--the causes for which could be seen mirroring, to no little extent, those that preceded and precipitated the war in the Pacific between these re-United States and the Empire of Japan in the last century.

Comes to the Colonel's attention this first glorious day of the month following the calendar period designated Scourge of Humanity Month by the Peoples' Representative (singular and sovereign) of the Tallahatchie Free State, the following article: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6200P620100301 wherein is reported recently published books by senior officers in the Peoples Liberation Army calling for Chinese military preparations to defeat the United States in a war for global hegemony. The article quotes PLA Senior Colonel Liu Mingfu, the author of The China Dream, as saying that his call for an aggressive military stance versus the United States reflects "...a tide of [Chinese] thought [that]...we need a military rise as well as an economic rise." Demonstrating that the prescience possessed by the writer of this blog is not limited to the few remaining cognitive cells laying fallow in the amorphous goo in the recesses of the Colonel's brain-housing group, the above article also quotes the author of another similarly veined book, Colonel Dai Xu as saying, "I'm very pessimistic about the future. I believe that China cannot escape the calamity of war, and this calamity may come in the not-too-distant future, at most in 10 to 20 years."

While most of the rest of the world has wallowed in economic recession, the Chicom economy has continued to experience robust expansion, proceeds from which have fueled an unprecedented expansion of military spending and force modernization. Over the last decade, defense spending (at least what they claim to be spending--actual expenditures are probably much higher) by the PRC has increased at an annual rate of over 15%. By comparison, the military budget of these re-United States has increased at an average rate of only 9%, during a time, need not the Colonel remind you gentle readers, of ongoing extensive military operations in the undeclared war against Islamo-fascism. True, the U.S. defense budget is nearly 9 times that of the Chicoms'. But, the United States is far more generous to its military personnel during and after their military service, and personnel costs (pay, housing, medical care, and other "quality of life" expenditures) make up nearly a quarter of the U.S. defense budget. Maintaining a significant worldwide military presence and keeping global alliance commitments also represents a huge cost not presently incurred by the Chinese. As a result, the PRC has been able to devote a larger proportion of their increased military spending to modernization of a force that is rapidly becoming capable of standing toe-to-toe with the United States military in a contest for control of the Pacific.

The Chinese population, rapidly approaching 1.5 BILLION souls, has enjoyed significant, if uneven, increases in quality of life and economic vitality. Chinese national pride is, as was evident to the world during the 2008 Beijing Olympics, at an all-time high. The ruling elite's 20th Century concern for filling the bellies of the Chinese people has been supplanted by a need to feed their growing 21st Century national aspirations. The Chicom ruling elite must also appease the Peoples Liberation Army, without whose strength they could not maintain control of the people; and the proud PLA desires above all else to grow and bypass the United States military as the world's greatest. Finally, rapid Chinese economic growth has created a massive hunger for energy and resources beyond the capability of their own territory to provide.

All of the above is a snapshot of a situation not unlike that in which the Empire of Japan found itself in the early part of the 20th Century.

We all know how that turned out.

Monday Morning MOTOs Vol. II, Ed. 5

Good Monday morning from Eegeebeegee, capital of the Tallahatchie Free State, a virtual republic established as much hand on wallet as tongue in cheek. It is time once again for a regularly irregular installment of the Colonel's Monday Morning Mastery of the Obvious (MOTO) Awards, bestowed for the recipients' steel trap grasp of the obvious despite loss of touch with reality.

The Colonel awards the Monday MOTO bronze medal to Venezuelan strong man Hugo "Castro Lite" Chavez for his "ya think!" assessment of President Barack Obama's foreign policy. According to Reuters, Chavez achieved one moment of clarity in an otherwise rambling radio address, saying that, "President Obama is lost in the Andromeda Nebula, he has lost his bearings, he doesn't get it." Seems it takes one deceitful, power-mad leftist to know another.

The Monday MOTO silver medal goes to South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford who, according to the McClatchy News Service said Wednesday morning during a speech to the Twin City Rotary Club in Batesburg-Leesville, SC that, "A lot of folks were convinced that I was running for president. My political days are over.'' A lot of people were, Governor, and, yes, now your political career has come to a screeching halt. Too bad you weren't a democrat and governor of Arkansas--you would have been a shoe-in.

The Monday MOTO gold medal goes to Hillary Clinton, who, while visiting the Democratic Republic of Congo responded to a student's mis-translated question with a most un-diplomatic, "My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am." Obama was a genius--putting his rivals in positions where the press would catch them, tired and off-guard, saying what was really on their minds. Guess it'll be Biden's turn next.

Monday MOTOs; Vol II, Ed. 4

A good and kind Monday morning to one and all from the northern end of southern nowhere. The Colonel is ensconced in the highly esteemed Chesty Puller Chair of Curmudgeonly Commentary topside at the Big House aboard Eegeebeegee, capital of the Tallahatchie Free State, a virtual republic and government in opposition established as much hand on wallet as tongue in cheek, and this morning brings the latest regularly irregular Monday installment of the Colonel's awards for Mastery of the Obvious (MOTO), as displayed by the great, near great, and ingrate to such an inane degree as to be impossible for the Colonel to spare commentary thereupon.

The Colonel's MOTO Bronze Medal this week goes to Senator Barbara Boxer of the Peoples' Republic of California who, according to Rob Hotakainen of McClatchy Newspapers warns that "if the Senate doesn't pass a bill to cut global warming, there will be dire results: droughts, floods, fires, loss of species, damage to agriculture, worsening air pollution and more." This fear mongering would be nearly enough to cause the Colonel to call his senator in support of the legislation were it not for one tiny little detail--droughts, floods, fires, loss of species, damage to agriculture, and worsening air pollution have been occurring, with the exception of damage to agriculture, since Creation, and including damage to agriculture, since man cultivated the first plant. Senator Boxer and her ilk demonstrate the height of hypocrisy, worshiping on the one hand at the altar of "undeniable" Darwinism and refusing on the other to allow nature to take its course. Survival of the fittest, Senator (I dare not call you "Ma'am" as I understand that term—considered one of respect in every other locale in these re-United States--offends the sensibilities of the political--ahem--ladies from the soon-to-be-bankrupt state of California) applies to ALL organisms and species on the planet (man, and his institutions, included) or it applies to none.

The Colonel's MOTO Silver Medal is bestowed this week upon the Apologist in Chief for his trap-like grasp of the situation in Afghanistan. In an interview with Britain's Sky News, President Obama opined regarding current operations that "...we still have a long way to go. We've got to get through elections. We've got a serious fight on our hands and we've got to deal with it smartly but we've got to deal with it effectively." The Colonel's not-so-humble opinion, provided ad nauseum to anyone he cornered and to anyone who has wasted valuable rod and cone time perusing posts on this weblog, is that we would not have had such a "long way to go" had we fought this war brought upon us nearly seven years ago like a WAR and not pussy-footed our way with minimal application of power and treasure as if our fight against Islamic extremism were only a weekend hobby. If we had fought our war against Japan and Germany like we have pursued this fight, the year 1949 would have found us still mucking about on Guadalcanal--seven years after our first landing on a Japanese-held island--and would have found us still participating in the minuscule and ineffective air raids against German targets we began with a paltry force of bombers flying from British airfields in 1942. Further, in the last sentence of the quote above the President contradicts himself and displays an unfitness for warfighting rivaling that of his predecessor. The so-called, and grossly misnamed, War on Terror, could have been and should have been wrapped up three years ago, following a ruthlessly effective series of campaigns against the supporters of the terrorists. Remember, we CRUSHED Germany and Japan (who possessed the largest and most effective military forces in the world at the beginning of that conflict) in 3 and 1/2 years and they have been among the strongest of our allies since. But, alas, Americans no longer have the stomach for winning.



And finally, the Colonel's MOTO Gold Medal is awarded to Senator Connie Mack of Florida for his criticism of the Obama administration's stance regarding the situation in Honduras. During a House Foreign Affairs Committee hearing during which the members discussed the forced removal of the Honduran President by that nation's military and congress for his attempt to illegally change his nation's constitution, Senator Mack opined that, "By calling this a coup and by early statements insisting on the reinstatement of Mr Zelaya, the administration now stands with the likes of (Hugo) Chavez, (Evo) Morales and (Daniel) Ortega, and not with the Honduran people." Even the most casual observer can readily ascertain that the Obama administration, in league with the liberal leadership of the party in power in Congress, stands with anyone who would dismiss even the most sacrosanct of constitutional laws and principles and drive their nations clearly into the socialist lane. No surprise here, Senator.

Monday Morning MOTOs, Not-so Special Wednesday Edition

The Colonel knows that this is Wednesday and that he has been regularly irregular in his fitfully faithful posting of the Monday Mastery of the Obvious (MOTO) medal awards, to those whose public comments demonstrate their steel trap grasp of the obvious, on..., well, on Mondays.

Several colliding and colluding factors have created a not-so perfect storm preventing the Colonel from publishing the Monday Morning MOTOs until later in the week. First, the Colonel's bubble of relatively irrelevant relativity has been particularly persistent this week.

Second, Grandson #1, the Hope of 21st Century Civilization, has been on an inspection tour of the grounds of the Tallahatchie Free State, a government in opposition formed with hand-on-wallet as much as tongue-in-cheek, and has commanded a bit more of the Colonel's and the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda's time.

Third, there has been a distinct dearth of public comments by anyone demonstrating any kind of grasp on reality.

The Colonel's Not-so Special Wednesday Edition of the Monday Morning MOTOs Bronze Medal goes to the Colonel, for his mastery of the calendar, as demonstrated by the lead sentence in this pernicious post.

The Colonel's Not-so Special Wednesday Edition Monday Morning MOTO Silver Medal goes to President O'Bama (he did claim some Irish ancestry didn't he?) for his realistic, if blatantly obvious, remark that, with regard to our economy, "There are no quick fixes, and there are no silver bullets." Hmmm, seems to the not-so bright Colonel, that's exactly what he and the socialist spendapaths in Congress have been attempting to do with trillion dollar bandaids and shotgun blasts, all of which will, in the Colonel's not-so humble opinion, result in nothing more than hastening the complete economic collapse of these re-United States into hyper-inflation and depression.

The Colonel's Not-so Special Wednesday Edition of the Monday Morning MOTOs Gold Medal goes to President Obama for his explanation for his delay in joining the hypocritically populist outrage over the revelation that the same effete, Gucci-wearing, limo-riding, penthouse-living, money-grubbing, Yankee Wall Street crooks who came hat in hand to the American taxpayer for financial rescue after they literally mismanaged their institutions into bankruptcy, channeled millions of OUR MONEY into their own pockets as bonuses for doing such a splendid job of destroying our wealth, "It took us a couple days because I like to know what I'm talking about before I speak."

What?!? Was the teleprompter broke?

Monday MOTOs; Vol. II, Ed. 3

Time once again for another installment of the Colonel's regularly irregular Monday Mastery of the Obvious (MOTO) awards, for public pronouncements demonstrating the speaker's death grip on reality. The awards committee, chaired by a man curmudgeoned before his time, will present medals in absentia today at 1300 Tallahatchie Standard Time, on the front porch of the capitol building at Eegeebeegee, Mississippi, capital of the Tallahatchie Free State, a government in opposition formed as much with hand on wallet as with tongue in cheek.


The Colonel's Monday MOTO bronze medal is awarded to Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez (who leads the closely followed TCMM medal count by a substantial margin) for his blustering, "I warn you this revolution means business," (according to Patricia Rondon in a March 4 Reuters dispatch from Caracass). Hugo "Castro Lite" Chavez's government had just announced seizure of a parboiled rice plant owned by the American company Cargill, as the dropping tide of oil prices supporting his "bread and circuses" populism ran him aground upon the shoals of economic reality. The Colonel's source in Caracass (codenamed "Toucan Sam") claims the reporter left off the last part of the Chavez pronouncement: "...and the state will become one and the same." Socialism (aka: liberalism, progressivism) has but one totalitarian aim--consolidation of power in the hands of a few--and conceals its motives in the populist camouflage of social fairness.


The Colonel's Monday MOTO silver medal is awarded to Marti Maguire, staff writer for the Raleigh News and Observer, for the headline, "Tornadoes are not 'to toy with'." Amen, sister! I can testify! Also, for your further mastery, Ms Maguire, I submit the following obvious points: Tigers and chimpanzees don't make good house pets; Marines are trained to kill; and all politicians lie.

The Colonel's Monday MOTO gold medal is awarded to pollster John Zogby who explains that President Obama's soaring popularity, in the face of a slew of broken campaign promises and an economy spiralling out of control, is based on his “sheer personality.” I'm more and more convinced, day after day, that there ain't but a handful of us, you and I included of course, that get it. Everybody else can't tell the difference between what's going on in the real world and what happened on "The Bachelor." Leaves this Marine just a tad bit disappointed.

Monday Morning MOTOs; Vol. II, Ed. 2

Greetings to one and all, patriots, rebels, freedom-fighters and frauds, from Eegeebeegee, captital of the Tallahatchie Free State, here at the northern end of southern nowhere. The purpose of this morning's press release from the Colonel's government in opposition, established not so much tongue in cheek as hand on wallet, is the publishing of the next edition of the regularly irregular Colonel's Corner feature foisting notables and disreputables upon the petards of their own pronouncements proclaiming their steel trap grips on the obvious. The Colonel's Monday Morning Mastery of the Obvious awards are hereby irrevocably, irreverently and irrepressibly presented in ascending order of MOTOness, as determined by an esteemed panel of one, chaired by a man curmudgeoned well before his time:

The Colonel's Monday Morning MOTO bronze medal is awarded to El Presidente por Vida Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, who, following the victory of a referendum to allow him to run for reelection for indefinite terms, proclaimed, "Those who voted 'yes' today voted for socialism, for revolution." Seems the Venezuelan people have more in common with the citizens of these re-United States than anyone realized.

The Colonel's Monday Morning MOTO silver medal goes to that paragon of bi-partisanship, and Pinko House chief of staff, Rahm Emanual for his own assessment, as reported by the AP, of the White House cabinet post vetting process that has resulted in a handful of nominees pulling their names from contention for reason of little things like tax evasion and strong opposition to the new administration's socialist policies: "Some would call it amateur hour." Some would, Mr. Emanual. The Colonel, on the other hand, believes it is symptomatic of the hubris with which H and his crew have come to the seat of power. They believe, as does the bronze award winner this morning, that they have a socialist mandate, and one of socialism's unwritten rules is that the ends justify the means.

The Colonel's Monday Morning MOTO gold medal is bestowed upon Republican Senator Mitch McConnell who, in assessing the $800 billion bill passed this week, according to the AP, proclaimed, "This is not the smart approach. The taxpayers of today and tomorrow will be left to clean up the mess." Senator, you have a death grip on the obvious! And, you and your party are just as responsible for this mess left to our children to clean up as the democrats. When given the opportunity to reverse forty years of socialist slide, you and the Republicans took the reins in Washington and became even bigger spenders on social programs than the socialists you replaced. Shame on you! Instead of demonstrating restraint, you set a higher bar for largess from our larders over which the re-empowered Democrats are now gleefully leaping.

The Colonel is taking applications for cabinet positions in the Tallahatchie Free State opposition government. MOTOs need not apply.

Monday Morning MOTOs; Vol. II, Ed. 1

Good Monday Morning to all! It is time for yet another installment in the sporadic series of the Colonel's Monday Mastery of the Obvious (MOTO) awards. The Colonel's Monday MOTOs are gleaned from a plethora of possible award winners for comments demonstrating their steel-trap grip on reality. As this is the first installment of the Colonel's Monday MOTOs in 2009, and because the Colonel's pea-sized brain could conjure no other reason, this will be codified as the first edition of the second volume of the series.



The Colonel's Monday MOTO Bronze medal is awarded to the egomaniacal governor of the state of Illinois, who, while otherwise continually displays a complete lack of touch with reality, commented quite lucidly at a news conference last Friday that, “the heart and soul of this has been a struggle of me against the system.” Yes, Governor, it is you against the system, and the system will prevail. The wheels of justice turn slowly, but anyone who fights what is right is eventually ground to dust.



The Colonel's Monday MOTO Silver Medal goes to Eric Holder, President Obama's nominee to serve as Attorney General, who declared during his Senate confirmation hearing that, "waterboarding is torture." It is indeed! Those who would justify such torture and other "enhanced interrogation" techniques as necessary to save American lives miss the whole point. American lives are not more important than American ideals. Whole armies of patriots have fought and died for those ideals. Some even died under torture believing that their deaths were righteous because America would never treat anyone like they were being treated.



The Colonel's Monday MOTO Gold Medal goes to President Obama who answered, "I won" when confronted by a Republican congressman with concerns about the obvious socialist direction the new administration's "stimulus" bill takes with, among other odious inclusions, the provision for giving tax rebates to those who paid no taxes in the first place. Yes, Mr. President you did indeed win. But that doesn't answer the question or assuage the concern of those who chose to live on this side of the Iron Curtain precisely because socialism is a morally and intellectually bankrupt political/economic model.

Monday MOTOs, Vol. I; Ed. 5

It's time once again for an edition of the Colonel's Mastery of the Obvious (Monday MOTO) awards. There are several thousand other things I could be doing that would be much more productive and meaningful, but the Colonel has always had a flair for the unnecessary and meaningless--just ask any one who ever served with me. Actually, I believe that is an inherent disease the increasing symptoms of which directly correlate with increased rank. But, I digress...

The Colonel's Mastery of the Obvious Bronze Medal goes to "W" for correctly assessing that the object thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist was "a size 10 shoe." Unverified sources report to the Colonel that the President told his Secret Service detail immediately after that he was happy to be able to demonstrate to the world that "I still have my reflexes." Reached for comment at his Chicago Graft-in-Waiting HQ, "H" is reported to have remarked that he would have taken the wing-tips off of one of his Secret Service agents and given them to the now shoe-less Iraqi journalist.

The Colonel's Monday MOTO Silver Medal goes to the researchers at Princeton, presumably conducting their study with a sizable government grant, who have announced that "a sugar addiction can be similar to an addiction to illegal drugs, like cocaine and heroin." Ya think!?! The Colonel proved a long time ago that all food is addictive. Heck, my third cousin, Cletus, over in Bugtussle, did a scientific study years ago that proved just how addictive food is and how dangerous it is to try to break the addiction. He had a worthless coon hound that would lay around all day and then eat its weight in Purina every evening. Cletus decided to teach the hound to go without eating. He just about had him trained to do without food, but the worthless mongrel died on him. (Please address your hate mail to Cletus Sorrel, 114 Possum Tickle Road, Bugtussle, AR.)

The Colonel's Monday MOTO Gold Medal is awarded to Wall Street Robber Baron Bernard Madoff (most presciently pronounced, Made Off) who, as his two decade long, fifty billion dollar ponzi scheme collapsed, is reported to have told his sons "There's no money left in the fund." From the Colonel's not so lofty perch, my eagle eye reveals that there's no money left in ANY fund.

This is just too easy.

Monday Morning MOTOs, Vol. I, Ed. 4

Finding examples of mastery of the obvious (MOTO) is the least challenging thing I do each week. We are literally barraged in every medium by statements demonstrating a stranglehold on surety. So much to reward, so little to give.

The Colonel's Monday Morning MOTO Bronze goes to my Rebels' new coach. With less than two minutes left in the game, Ole Miss had a 23 to 14 lead and the Rebel (ahem) faithful in the crowd began taunting the home crowd by chanting the name of the Razorbacks' old coach. A minute later, the score was 23 to 21, Arkansas had recovered an on-side kick, and come within a questionable offensive pass interference call of achieving a come-from-behind win. When asked about it later, Houston Nutt opined that, "they probably started that a little early." Frankly, Rebel Nation has a bad call to thank for rescuing us from the all-too familiar last-minute close loss. This Saturday that shoe was on a pig's foot.

The MOTO silver goes to the junior senator from Arizona, Jon Kyle, who told the Arizona Daily Star that, "Unfortunately, I think John McCain might be added to that long list of Arizonans who ran for president but were never elected." The Republican Party is headed for a historic defeat and it is entirely their fault. You can't get re-elected on a conservative platform if you don't govern as conservatives when you get in power. That sort of bait and switch only works for the Democrats.

This morning's MOTO gold medal is awarded to Senator Joe Biden, whose medal count is approaching Michael Phelps', for his non-answer to the reporter who asked the difference between Karl Marx's wealth redistribution philosophy and Barrack Obama's. Said Senator Biden, "Is this a joke?"

Took the words right out of my mouth, Senator.

Monday MOTOs Vol. I; Ed. 3

The Colonel is especially grumpy this morning, the caffeine is not producing the desired effect, and I'm resigning myself to the reality of another dismal four-win season for my Rebels. So, I will turn my curmudgeonly attention to those Masters Of The Obvious whose grip on the bottom line, as displayed by their public pronouncements of late, make them deserving of Monday MOTO medals.

The Monday MOTO bronze goes to Senator Biden, who, as ABC News' Matthew Jaffe reports, understands what all of the rest of us with our eyes open can readily see: "'Mark my words,'" the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. 'It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said. Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.'"

The Monday MOTO silver goes to Senator Biden, who, as ABC News' Matthew Jaffe reports, has a vise-like grip on the truth with follow-up comments to those which occasioned his award of a bronze MOTO above: "'And he's gonna need help. And the kind of help he's gonna need is, he's gonna need you - not financially to help him - we're gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right.'"

The Monday MOTO gold goes to, you guessed it, Senator Biden who, as ABC News' Matthew Jaffe reports, has the ability to foretell a future that takes no clairvoyance on the part of even the least forward-looking of any of us: "'Because I promise you, you all are gonna be sitting here a year from now going, 'Oh my God, why are they there in the polls? Why is the polling so down? Why is this thing so tough?'"

Senator Biden's comments need little clarifying commentary, but that's never stopped me before. First, the next President will be tested internationally early in his first term--nearly all have been. Senator Biden tries to make us believe that President Kennedy's first international trial was the Cuban Missile Crisis, the resolution of which JFK has gotten way too much credit for. Actually, the initial international crisis in which Kennedy found himself was the Bay of Pigs--the invasion of Cuba by US-supported anti-Castro forces. Kennedy refused to commit the full support necessary for the anti-communists to succeed and left them open to defeat and capture--many later died in Castro's death camps--and the invasion was swiftly squashed on the landing beaches. This monumental failure on Kennedy's part (revisionist historians have shifted the blame from Kennedy to his CIA and Defense Department, so you don't see this collosal collapse of presidential leadership in history text books) emboldened the Soviet Union to place nuclear-tipped missiles, aimed at the US, in Cuba, and precipitated the Cuban Missile Crisis which by most accounts came as close to causing war between these re-United States and the Soviet Union as any other event in the history of the Cold War.

Second, a President Obama will, in Biden's words, "need help" from the liberal elite (he was addressing cappuccino commies in Seattle) to buttress him against the fallout of: his failure to either act decisively in the sure-to-come international crisis, or of his far left governance of a nation that (to the chagrin of the liberal elites driving popular culture) is still a majority conservative one.

Third, my bet is, as Biden so presciently predicts, an Obama administration will suffer plummeting poll numbers that will make George Bush's look good. An Obama administration will disappoint not only those of us who make up the center and right majority of this nation, but will also massively disappoint the liberal base who believe he will "change the world." The dirty little secret is that an Obama administration will not be able to fulfill any of its populist promises to the satisfaction of those to whom they have pandered. We won't leave Iraq any time soon. We won't see a middle class tax cut. There won't be any slashing of wasteful and inefficient government programs. There won't be lower cost medical insurance. Education will continue to suffer from the negligent control of the NEA.

Obama doesn't represent change any more than McCain does. If you're going to vote for Obama, do so knowing that at the very least you will have a President with a better command of the English language than the present occupant of the Oval Office.

Other than that, you're gonna be out of luck.

Monday MOTO's, Vol. I, Ed. 2

It's Monday morning, the coffee is hot, the air outside here at the northern end of southern nowhere is dry and cool, and it's time once again for The Colonel's MOTO Awards.

The MOTO Gold medal goes to the sportscaster who described Saturday evening's gridiron contest between Auburn and Mississippi State as a "real defensive struggle." Hmmm, and I thought that 3 to 2 was a score indicative of a barn-burning offensive shoot-out.

The MOTO Silver medal goes to Senator John McCain for the following "ya think!?!" comment: "We are carefully monitoring the financial markets, including the duress at Lehman Brothers that is the latest reminder of ineffective regulation and management." What's important in this quote is the scary notion that we need more strict regulation of the financial markets. Seems that I remember such elements of the Soviet command economy being responsible for the collapse of that bankrupt system of government. The senator who would be king gets it right when he blames "management." That's the true test of survival in a capitalist system.

The MOTO Bronze medal is awarded to The Colonel for his head in hands muttering of the following as Division IAA (what does Championship Subdivision mean?) Samford was leading his beloved Rebels 7 to 6 halfway through the second quarter of Saturday evening's tilt in the shade of the second largest college jumbotron in all the land: "This is embarrassing." Ya think?!?, Colonel?

Monday MOTOs

This morning I thought I would lead off the week by listing winners of The Colonel's Mastery of the Obvious (MOTO) award for their hammerlock grip on reality demonstrated in gratuitous gum-beating last week.

The MOTO Gold medal goes to Gloria Steinem, the bra-burning feminist boomer icon whose relevance has decreased to just above that of a pet rock, for her MOTO comment that Sarah Palin "shares nothing but a chromosome" with Hillary Clinton. To which I will add my sincere thanks to my God.

The MOTO Silver medal goes to the sportscaster who opined that the Rebel (ahem) faithful "have to be heartbroken" at Ole Miss' last second loss to Wake Forest on Saturday. Ya think?!?

The MOTO Bronze medal goes to Barack Obama for the following, "I actually always thought of the military as an ennobling and, you know, honorable option. But keep in mind that I graduated in 1979. The Vietnam War had come to an end. We weren't engaged in an active military conflict at that point. And so, it's not an option that I ever decided to pursue." He gets the award for his mastery of obvious historical timelines. But let me add my analysis of this comment. One of the things that has always cranked up my crotchety ole colonel meter is when someone insults my intelligence and sense of honor by giving me a feeble reason for not serving his country in uniform. Senator Obama's inference is that if we had still been at war with the Vietnamese communists in 1979, he would have raced to the recruiting station. All of you who believe that this assertion strains the limits of even the most open-minded definition of credulity, raise your hands. This comment ranks right up there with Hillary Clinton's laugher that she wanted to join the Marines in 1975 and was told she was too old and her eyesight was too bad. Change we can believe in, indeed.