When Jesus showed his disciples how to pray, he began His "model prayer" with the amazing recognition that the same God with whom we can have a personal relationship -- "Our Father" -- is also praiseworthy as the Creator of the Universe -- "hallowed be Thy name" -- and then recognized God's sovereignty over every aspect of our lives -- "Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done...". (Emphasis here, and throughout, the Colonel's)
Jesus then followed those most weighty and profound words with what at first glance seems the most simple and mundane request:
"Give us today our daily bread." Matthew 6:11
If you are like the Colonel, you have probably taken those six words all too lightly. Their simplicity has caused him to give them scant attention. The Colonel will admit he ain't smart and you can't make him -- it often takes someone drawing a picture for him to get the point.
In his exhaustive verse by verse Bible commentary first published early in the 18th Century, Matthew Henry expounded on the meaning of Jesus' simple verse on Divine Providence in His model prayer:
"...after the things of God's glory, kingdom, and will, we pray for the needful supports and comforts of this present life. Every word here has a lesson in it."
"We ask for bread; that teaches us sobriety and temperance; and we ask only for bread; not for what we do not need."
"We ask for our bread; that teaches us honesty and industry. We do not ask for the bread of others, nor the bread of deceit; nor the bread of idleness; but the bread honestly gotten."
"We ask for our daily bread; which teaches us constantly to depend upon Divine Providence."
"We beg of God to give it to us; not sell it us; nor lend it us; but give it. The greatest of men must be beholden to the mercy of God for their daily bread."
"We pray, give it to us. This teaches us a compassion for the poor. Also that we ought to pray with our families."
We pray that God would give us this day; which teaches us t renew the desires of our souls toward God, as the wants of our bodies are renewed."
That God inspired Mr. Henry to pen these words more than three centuries ago to expound on a lesson given two millennia ago proves the Colonel's belief that there is truly nothing new under the sun and that the truth in God's Word remains rock solid and unassailable age to age.
The Colonel is convinced, without a shadow of doubt in his military mind, that as Jesus spoke the Aramaic words, "Hawvlan lachma d'sunqanan yaomana," (translated to Greek and then into modern English as "Give us today our daily bread") He did so fully cognizant of His God-given place as the "Bread of Life" -- a term by which He referred to Himself. Jesus knew He was God's ultimate provision.
Now, he ain't no Aramaic scholar, but the Colonel is capable enough on a computer to do a bit of research -- and looky here what he found: The rich, chock-full - of - meaning, Aramaic words Jesus spoke, that were written down in the commercial language of the time (Greek) and later translated into very one-dimensional English..., well, they also carry a connotation of spiritual wisdom.
Jesus' taught his disciples; and by extension, us; that our Creator Father not only was (is) the source of every material need, but every spiritual need as well. The Father's spiritual wisdom is ours for the asking.
The Colonel's prayer this week is that he will be daily reminded of the greatness of God and His provision of all he needs both physically and spiritually on a daily basis.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Kingdom Seeking
Probably the most critical component of a Christian's life -- the least understood, and the most underutilized gift from God -- is a believer's ability to communicate with Him through prayer.
The Colonel's own prayer life is instructive.
Even something as simple as praying all too often falls into the category of fails in the Colonel's life. It's not that he doesn't pray -- it's that he doesn't pray right.
That's right, the Colonel just said there's a right way to pray. How dare he, you're thinking. Prayer is personal, you say. Our communication with God is not bound by constrictive rules, you say.
You're right..., and you're not so right.
In the 6th chapter of his Gospel, Matthew records that Jesus felt it necessary to teach his disciples how to pray. Why? Well, the Colonel believes that God's people had a prayer problem. The people of Israel had ritualized and politicized their prayers. They had turned the act of what should have been a private communication with their Creator and Savior into a grossly inappropriate public spectacle of self-aggrandizement.
Jesus taught that our prayer life was a deeply personal and private affair -- "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men... But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father..." Matthew 6: 5
But, He didn't stop there. Jesus went on to provide His followers a model prayer -- not to be prayed ritualistically; but as a complete collection of components (and sequence, as well) critical to our communication with God.
The Colonel fervently believes there was, and is, nothing accidental or happenstance about Jesus. When he gave His disciples what we now call The Lord's Prayer, every bit of it, down to the very sequence of it, was (is) a perfect example of what our prayer life should contain.
The Colonel just as fervently believes that Jesus' intention was not that we would ritualistically recite His example of prayer. That defeats the whole purpose of God's gift to us -- the ability to address Him on a personal level.
The Colonel confesses that his own prayer life all too often is a variation on the theme, "Oh, God. Help me, I'm in a mess."
Admit it, so is yours.
However, when we look at what Jesus was really trying to convey with the specific components of His model prayer, we see that our communication with God has some very important elements over which we cannot skip if our prayer is to be its most effective.
Jesus said, "This, then, is how you should pray:
Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name..."
Let's stop right there and take a deep, thoughtful look. Jesus is telling His disciples (and us) that we can come to God as we would our own Earthly parent; but, with the utmost respect and recognition of Him as the Creator of the Universe.
That God created the Universe, and gave us the ability to commune personally with Him is the most amazing thing! Think about the size of the Universe -- hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with hundreds of billions of stars; in one of which and around one of which, respectively, our planet circles in obscurity. And, yet, the God who created a Universe in which light, travelling at 186,000 miles per second, takes billions of years to travel from one end of its expanse to the other -- well..., that same God, as great and powerful and hallowed as He should be, still allows each of us to personally approach Him in prayer as if we were talking to our daddy.
Remember, however, that Jesus did nothing by happenstance. When he started His model prayer with recognition of the incomparable greatness of our Heavenly Father that was no mistake. Jesus includes personal requests of God in His model prayer, but they are prominently preceded by solemn recognition of who God is.
Jesus continued, "...Your kingdom come, Your will be done..."
We can approach God with our personal requests, but Jesus made it abundantly clear that those personal requests must not be made without our first recognizing the greatness of God, and also, without our next seeking His kingdom and His will.
The Colonel admits that he egregiously fails to seek God's kingdom and will as paramount over his own. It shames him to realize that he so flippantly approaches God with requests for revelation of God's will in his life, when he is, in reality, seeking God's approval of his own desires.
To seek God's kingdom and God's will is not an exercise in box checking. God is sovereign, and until we recognize that truth what we want means zip. When we pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, we aren't asking Him to visit justice on a wicked world. Jesus' teaching that we should first seek God's kingdom and will is a personal requirement, without which God's provision and grace is not possible.
Don't take the Colonel's word on it -- here's what Jesus said:
"...seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..." Matthew 6: 33
So, if you are like the Colonel and need a personal spiritual revival, here's our homework:
Let's be Kingdom Seekers.
The Colonel's own prayer life is instructive.
Even something as simple as praying all too often falls into the category of fails in the Colonel's life. It's not that he doesn't pray -- it's that he doesn't pray right.
That's right, the Colonel just said there's a right way to pray. How dare he, you're thinking. Prayer is personal, you say. Our communication with God is not bound by constrictive rules, you say.
You're right..., and you're not so right.
In the 6th chapter of his Gospel, Matthew records that Jesus felt it necessary to teach his disciples how to pray. Why? Well, the Colonel believes that God's people had a prayer problem. The people of Israel had ritualized and politicized their prayers. They had turned the act of what should have been a private communication with their Creator and Savior into a grossly inappropriate public spectacle of self-aggrandizement.
Jesus taught that our prayer life was a deeply personal and private affair -- "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men... But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father..." Matthew 6: 5
But, He didn't stop there. Jesus went on to provide His followers a model prayer -- not to be prayed ritualistically; but as a complete collection of components (and sequence, as well) critical to our communication with God.
The Colonel fervently believes there was, and is, nothing accidental or happenstance about Jesus. When he gave His disciples what we now call The Lord's Prayer, every bit of it, down to the very sequence of it, was (is) a perfect example of what our prayer life should contain.
The Colonel just as fervently believes that Jesus' intention was not that we would ritualistically recite His example of prayer. That defeats the whole purpose of God's gift to us -- the ability to address Him on a personal level.
The Colonel confesses that his own prayer life all too often is a variation on the theme, "Oh, God. Help me, I'm in a mess."
Admit it, so is yours.
However, when we look at what Jesus was really trying to convey with the specific components of His model prayer, we see that our communication with God has some very important elements over which we cannot skip if our prayer is to be its most effective.
Jesus said, "This, then, is how you should pray:
Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name..."
Let's stop right there and take a deep, thoughtful look. Jesus is telling His disciples (and us) that we can come to God as we would our own Earthly parent; but, with the utmost respect and recognition of Him as the Creator of the Universe.
That God created the Universe, and gave us the ability to commune personally with Him is the most amazing thing! Think about the size of the Universe -- hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with hundreds of billions of stars; in one of which and around one of which, respectively, our planet circles in obscurity. And, yet, the God who created a Universe in which light, travelling at 186,000 miles per second, takes billions of years to travel from one end of its expanse to the other -- well..., that same God, as great and powerful and hallowed as He should be, still allows each of us to personally approach Him in prayer as if we were talking to our daddy.
Remember, however, that Jesus did nothing by happenstance. When he started His model prayer with recognition of the incomparable greatness of our Heavenly Father that was no mistake. Jesus includes personal requests of God in His model prayer, but they are prominently preceded by solemn recognition of who God is.
Jesus continued, "...Your kingdom come, Your will be done..."
We can approach God with our personal requests, but Jesus made it abundantly clear that those personal requests must not be made without our first recognizing the greatness of God, and also, without our next seeking His kingdom and His will.
The Colonel admits that he egregiously fails to seek God's kingdom and will as paramount over his own. It shames him to realize that he so flippantly approaches God with requests for revelation of God's will in his life, when he is, in reality, seeking God's approval of his own desires.
To seek God's kingdom and God's will is not an exercise in box checking. God is sovereign, and until we recognize that truth what we want means zip. When we pray for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done, we aren't asking Him to visit justice on a wicked world. Jesus' teaching that we should first seek God's kingdom and will is a personal requirement, without which God's provision and grace is not possible.
Don't take the Colonel's word on it -- here's what Jesus said:
"...seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..." Matthew 6: 33
So, if you are like the Colonel and need a personal spiritual revival, here's our homework:
Let's be Kingdom Seekers.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Sanctuary Republic
The Colonel convened an emergency joint session of the three constitutional branches of the Tallahatchie Republic last evening.
* For those of you who have only recently demonstrated the fact that you have absolutely nothing else of redeeming value to do with your time than to follow posts hereon, and have yet to get completely up to speed on the methodless madness that is The Colonel's Corner, the Tallahatchie Republic (founded with tongue in cheek and hand on wallet) is a virtual government (of the Colonel and by the Colonel) headquartered at Egeebeegee, Mississippi (Unincorporated), encompassing both the Colonel's vast holdings here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere and the Colonel's not-so vast readership scattered around the map.
The emergency joint session was necessitated by a crisis of perception -- the Colonel thinks the rest of the world has gone nuts.
Surrounded on all sides by folks who have absolutely lost their minds, the Colonel had no choice but to take concrete steps to prevent loss of his own remaining meager mental faculties, which would incapacitate the Tallahatchie Republic's leadership for life and leave the citizenry and legal residents without protection.
"My fellow Tallahatchians. The Colonel calls this joint session of the..."
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda looked up from her needlepoint and opened up her heart to the Colonel, "Knucklehead, if you don't get out of the way of the TV, I'm gonna bust your joints with a frying pan!"
"Dear, the Colonel has called a joint session of the government of the Tallahatchie Republic to address a critical issue. Please pay attention for just a few minutes."
"You get two minutes and that's it!" The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda is nothing if not patient and accommodating.
"Thank you, Dear. Lessee, where was the Colonel? Ah, yes. My fellow Tallahatchians..."
"Tally what?"
"What, dear?"
"Never mind. You've got a minute and a half left. You better skip the preamble and get to the point."
"Uh, okay... The Colonel calls this joint session in order to..."
"Why do you do that?
"What, dear?"
"Why do you insist on referring to yourself in the third person?"
"Well, the Colonel rather thinks it adds rhetorical and literary flourish to his speaking and writing..."
"More like fingernails on a chalkboard. You've got a minute left. Wrap it up, Shakespeare."
"Wha...? Uh..., um...," the Colonel thumbed quickly through the sheaf of papers in his hands and finally found the page with the words "Sanctuary Proclamation" at the top. He solemnly intoned,
"Whereas, a growing plurality of the cities and states, municipalities and commonwealths of the late, great re-United States of America have declared themselves sanctuaries for various persons who have challenged the sovereignty of the aforesaid late, great republic and entered and established residency in contravention to the laws of said late, great republic...;
"We, the people of the Tallahatchie Republic, with tongues firmly planted inside cheeks and hands firmly grasping wallets, do hereby declare that the Tallahatchie Republic is, and will henceforth forever be, SANCTUARY for those persons who self-identify as Constitutional republicans (Big C, little r)."
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda sat in open-mouthed wonder at the love of her life standing at the modified position of attention and executing the Tallahatchie Salute (tongue in cheek; hand on wallet).
"Well, that takes the cake, knucklehead. Just when I thought your idiocy could plumb no greater depths...," the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda stopped and sighed -- the kind of deep, soulful, sigh of resignation that the Colonel has heard on occasions too numerous to count. "Can you do one thing for me..., the next time you call one of your 'emergency joint sessions'?"
"Shurtinly, deah...," the Colonel paused, ceased his Tallahatchie salute, and looked expectantly into the eyes of his best friend. "Whatever you want."
"Could you please designate the space in front of the TV a 'Colonel Free Zone'?"
* For those of you who have only recently demonstrated the fact that you have absolutely nothing else of redeeming value to do with your time than to follow posts hereon, and have yet to get completely up to speed on the methodless madness that is The Colonel's Corner, the Tallahatchie Republic (founded with tongue in cheek and hand on wallet) is a virtual government (of the Colonel and by the Colonel) headquartered at Egeebeegee, Mississippi (Unincorporated), encompassing both the Colonel's vast holdings here at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere and the Colonel's not-so vast readership scattered around the map.
The emergency joint session was necessitated by a crisis of perception -- the Colonel thinks the rest of the world has gone nuts.
Surrounded on all sides by folks who have absolutely lost their minds, the Colonel had no choice but to take concrete steps to prevent loss of his own remaining meager mental faculties, which would incapacitate the Tallahatchie Republic's leadership for life and leave the citizenry and legal residents without protection.
"My fellow Tallahatchians. The Colonel calls this joint session of the..."
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda looked up from her needlepoint and opened up her heart to the Colonel, "Knucklehead, if you don't get out of the way of the TV, I'm gonna bust your joints with a frying pan!"
"Dear, the Colonel has called a joint session of the government of the Tallahatchie Republic to address a critical issue. Please pay attention for just a few minutes."
"You get two minutes and that's it!" The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda is nothing if not patient and accommodating.
"Thank you, Dear. Lessee, where was the Colonel? Ah, yes. My fellow Tallahatchians..."
"Tally what?"
"What, dear?"
"Never mind. You've got a minute and a half left. You better skip the preamble and get to the point."
"Uh, okay... The Colonel calls this joint session in order to..."
"Why do you do that?
"What, dear?"
"Why do you insist on referring to yourself in the third person?"
"Well, the Colonel rather thinks it adds rhetorical and literary flourish to his speaking and writing..."
"More like fingernails on a chalkboard. You've got a minute left. Wrap it up, Shakespeare."
"Wha...? Uh..., um...," the Colonel thumbed quickly through the sheaf of papers in his hands and finally found the page with the words "Sanctuary Proclamation" at the top. He solemnly intoned,
"Whereas, a growing plurality of the cities and states, municipalities and commonwealths of the late, great re-United States of America have declared themselves sanctuaries for various persons who have challenged the sovereignty of the aforesaid late, great republic and entered and established residency in contravention to the laws of said late, great republic...;
"We, the people of the Tallahatchie Republic, with tongues firmly planted inside cheeks and hands firmly grasping wallets, do hereby declare that the Tallahatchie Republic is, and will henceforth forever be, SANCTUARY for those persons who self-identify as Constitutional republicans (Big C, little r)."
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda sat in open-mouthed wonder at the love of her life standing at the modified position of attention and executing the Tallahatchie Salute (tongue in cheek; hand on wallet).
"Well, that takes the cake, knucklehead. Just when I thought your idiocy could plumb no greater depths...," the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda stopped and sighed -- the kind of deep, soulful, sigh of resignation that the Colonel has heard on occasions too numerous to count. "Can you do one thing for me..., the next time you call one of your 'emergency joint sessions'?"
"Shurtinly, deah...," the Colonel paused, ceased his Tallahatchie salute, and looked expectantly into the eyes of his best friend. "Whatever you want."
"Could you please designate the space in front of the TV a 'Colonel Free Zone'?"
Thursday, February 08, 2018
"We Train and We Fight"
President Trump wants a parade.
He wants to see the might of our Republic's military in an hours' long march of troops, tanks, rockets, and artillery through the heart of our capital; overcast with clouds of bombers, fighters, and helicopters.
The Colonel has to admit, that would be a pretty cool sight. He means, who doesn't love a great parade? Especially a parade of the nation's best and hardest showing off their coolest toys.
But, there's another side of the Colonel that is deeply troubled by the idea -- for a couple reasons. Okay, probably three or four reasons. Hear him out.
At first blush, the Colonel has been tempted to mark this desire for a world class national military parade up to just another manifestation of President Trump's braggadocious ego. (Look, the Colonel knows a braggadocious ego when he sees one -- the Colonel ain't the most humble man on the block, himself.) Face it, it is who Donald Trump is -- a narcissistic bully whose modus operandi is to belittle and insult opponents (even those nominally on his team who disagree with him on a side matter).
He cannot stand to be upstaged.
He sees a grand military parade in another country and he feels upstaged. So, he demands that his military perform to assuage his feelings of inadequacy.
It is no secret that the Colonel despises the man Donald Trump is. The Colonel didn't vote for him -- he wrote in the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda. (And, frankly, she would rock as our president!) So, the Colonel knows that his not-so secret disdain for the man colors your perception of his motivations for opposing this particular parade idea. Just know that the Colonel has been in total agreement with nearly 90% of the policy positions and actions (as opposed to tweets) taken by the president. (Except for that stupid wall -- empires that build walls fall immediately into decline.)
The Colonel doesn't oppose the parade because it's Trump's idea.
No, the Colonel opposes this parade idea for other more fundamental reasons that have nothing to do with whose idea it is.
Let's start with our nation's military tradition.
General Jack Keane, former Vice Chief of the Army, said it best:
He wants to see the might of our Republic's military in an hours' long march of troops, tanks, rockets, and artillery through the heart of our capital; overcast with clouds of bombers, fighters, and helicopters.
The Colonel has to admit, that would be a pretty cool sight. He means, who doesn't love a great parade? Especially a parade of the nation's best and hardest showing off their coolest toys.
But, there's another side of the Colonel that is deeply troubled by the idea -- for a couple reasons. Okay, probably three or four reasons. Hear him out.
At first blush, the Colonel has been tempted to mark this desire for a world class national military parade up to just another manifestation of President Trump's braggadocious ego. (Look, the Colonel knows a braggadocious ego when he sees one -- the Colonel ain't the most humble man on the block, himself.) Face it, it is who Donald Trump is -- a narcissistic bully whose modus operandi is to belittle and insult opponents (even those nominally on his team who disagree with him on a side matter).
He cannot stand to be upstaged.
He sees a grand military parade in another country and he feels upstaged. So, he demands that his military perform to assuage his feelings of inadequacy.
It is no secret that the Colonel despises the man Donald Trump is. The Colonel didn't vote for him -- he wrote in the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda. (And, frankly, she would rock as our president!) So, the Colonel knows that his not-so secret disdain for the man colors your perception of his motivations for opposing this particular parade idea. Just know that the Colonel has been in total agreement with nearly 90% of the policy positions and actions (as opposed to tweets) taken by the president. (Except for that stupid wall -- empires that build walls fall immediately into decline.)
The Colonel doesn't oppose the parade because it's Trump's idea.
No, the Colonel opposes this parade idea for other more fundamental reasons that have nothing to do with whose idea it is.
Let's start with our nation's military tradition.
General Jack Keane, former Vice Chief of the Army, said it best:
“These European militaries and some of these other guys, they dress up in fancy outfits with fancy uniforms. They have unbelievably fancy uniforms. Gold braid, sabers all over the place. Shiny helmets. We’re a pragmatic military. We reflect the American people. We're informal. Our uniforms are dull by comparison. And what we do is we train and we fight. We bear the burdens around the world. These other guys, they do a lot more parading than they do fighting.”
"We train and we fight." Pretty simple sounding. Yet, it ain't so simple. And that goes to the second fundamental reason the Colonel opposes this parade.
Training to fight, and win is the raison d'etre of the United States' military. You (the citizen, in defense of whose freedom the military exists at all) don't want there to be any other competing requirements that detract or distract from that paramount imperative.
This grand parade -- intended to show the world that "our button is bigger than your button" -- is a huge waste of time and resources at a time when the threats to our security are mounting and funding for military recapitalization, maintenance, and training is cratering.
Some of you -- particularly the Marines with whom he served -- will no doubt consider the Colonel's stance on this issue a bit hypocritical. You will point out that the Colonel himself had a few parades marched in his honor -- four changes of command and a retirement parade. But, there is a not-so nuanced distinction between inward-focused military ceremonies and parades for public consumption. Unit-focused drill and ceremonies are a key component of that specific unit's esprit. U.S. Military ceremonies aren't for showing off -- they are almost always in honor of individuals receiving awards; or, in the case of a change of command, in honor of the unbroken chain of authority vested in the position not the individual in command. The public is often invited to witness these ceremonies, but it ain't for them.
Defenders of President Trump's grand military parade idea are painting the spectacle as an opportunity to "honor the troops."
Defenders of President Trump's grand military parade idea are painting the spectacle as an opportunity to "honor the troops."
Want to honor the troops?
Honor them by demanding that Congress adequately fund their new equipment, maintenance, and training needs.
Honor them by demanding that Congress not allow them to be deployed to fight without Congressional authorization as specifically delineated in our Constitution.
Honor them by demanding that Congress honor the commitments made to them when they signed on.
Honor them by demanding that Congress ensure that the Veterans Administration provides world class service and care.
Honor them by respecting the flag, under which they deploy to fight, and under which many of their remains return for eternal rest. (The Colonel does not refer solely to NFL "kneelers" -- all citizens of our Republic need a refresher on respect for the colors.)
The Colonel can guarantee you one thing for sure. The men and women serving in today's U.S. military aren't there for the glory.
They hate parades.
They are in it for something far greater than themselves. And they only wish you were, too.
They hate parades.
They are in it for something far greater than themselves. And they only wish you were, too.
Wednesday, February 07, 2018
Twister Plus Ten
"Sir, this is ADT. We have a fire alarm at your home, we have alerted the local fire department. Are you there?"
"Nope."
"Can you get there quickly to confirm?"
"Nope. But, my wife's there. Have you tried to contact her?"
"We have, sir. There's no answer on the home phone."
The Colonel had last talked to the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda a couple of hours previously. She'd then told him that she had been invited to go play cards with a group of ladies from the church. In the background, the Colonel could hear thunder.
"Sounds like you have some bad weather there, Babe."
"Yep. Maybe we'll get some rain and fill up that mud puddle you call a 'lake'."
"Lake Brenda is not a mud puddle."
"Whatever."
"Just be careful driving tonight, okay?"
"I will. Call me later tonight?"
"Sure. Love you. Bye."
The call from ADT revived old feelings of helplessness, the likes of which the Colonel had felt many times before -- deployed thousands of miles from home and unable to do anything constructive to influence an emergency on the homefront. Believing that the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda must still be away from the house, the Colonel thumbed her cell number on his crackberry.
"Hey, babe," she answered cheerily.
"Go home. The house in on fire."
"No..., I don't think it is."
"Yes it is! Go home right now!"
"No it's not."
The Colonel clenched his fists and took a deep breath preparatory to placing his voice on the "stun" setting. In the momentary quiet before the storm, the Colonel heard the wail of a fire alarm.
"What's that noise? Sounds like a fire alarm."
"What? I can't hear you over the fire alarm."
"Where are you?"
"Standing outside in the front yard."
"Whose front yard?"
"Ours, knucklehead."
The Colonel took another deep breath, and slowly asked, again, "Is the house on fire?"
"Don't think so. I don't see any flames and it's too dark to see smoke."
"Did someone break in and set off the alarm?"
"No."
"Well... why is the alarm going off?"
"Could be because of the tornado that just hit the house."
"Tornado?"
"Yeah." The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was very calm. That made the Colonel's blood run cold -- she was always calmest in the midst of calamity.
"Dear...?"
"Yes?"
"Is the house still there?"
"Yeah, but there's a lot of damage. And, it looks like Frank's barn is now scattered all over our property..."
"Are you okay?"
"Well, thanks for finally asking, knucklehead. I'm fine. When I heard it coming, I grabbed the cat and jumped in the bathtub."
The tornado had dropped down out of a thunderstorm just to the north of Oxford, ten miles south, and raced, ripping and rooting, almost due north towards the Colonel's vast holdings at the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere. It was a Category Three when it blew straight up the road on which sat the house the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda had made their forever home just 9 months previous. A dozen homes along the mile and a half of that road exploded into splinters. That the Colonel's house was 300 yards off of the road, saved it from destruction.
Miraculously, no lives were lost.
The landscape was changed rather significantly, however.
The road on which the Colonel lives was once tree-lined. The tornado changed that. When emergency responders and local samaritans arrived, they found the entire length of the road blocked by an impenetrable abatis. Chainsaw crews worked through the night to clear the road for emergency vehicles. When the Colonel arrived a day later, he hardly recognized the area.
To this day, on his daily security patrols, the Colonel finds reminders of the tornado -- stumps of downed trees and detritus that once was the treasured belongings of neighbors to the south.
Today, he thanks a merciful God.
Please excuse the Colonel, while he goes to kiss his greatest treasure -- spared nature's wrath.
And, after he finishes loving on his tractor, the Colonel probably ought to go tell the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda that he is fond of her, too...
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