But the ADD shows up all over the Colonel's vast holdings here at the astronomical center of the southern sanity universe. There's at least a dozen projects scattered around the shallow northern end of deep southern nowhere -- none of which are more than 90% completed.
The major project that the Colonel has been pushing toward the 90% completion mark all summer is a combined lumber-drying solar kiln and lumber storage facility adjacent to his sawmill (Semper Filet).
The operating theory behind the solar kiln is that a clear, south-facing roof and flat black interior walls will raise the interior temperatures well above the ambient and speed the drying of lumber fresh off of Semper Filet. The Colonel figures he can dry lumber in his solar kiln in as little as a couple of months during the high sun season, where before it took six months or more for lumber stacked in the open to dry enough to be used for various almost finished projects.
The Colonel has been ploddingly planning this particular structure for several years, studying construction concepts and deciding on the dimensions for the building. Most of the DIY plans he perused seemed much too small for his purposes -- the Colonel intends to build a doghouse cabin down by Lake Brenda and that's going to take a lot of lumber. So, the Colonel's solar kiln building is going to be three times bigger than anybody else's.
And, no, he's not compensating. The Colonel just has plenty of experience with underestimation. There was that dock that he built on Lake Brenda ten years ago, for example. The year had been exceeding dry and the water was very low. So low, in fact, that the Colonel estimated it would be decades before water levels reached anywhere near full pool. The Colonel built the dock so that its deck would be dry up to 90% of full pool.
The Colonel underestimated. Three days of heavy rain the following March provided him with the opportunity to brag about catching fish swimming over his dock.
When the Colonel commissioned the construction of his Man Toy Storage and Sawdust Production Facility, he figured that a 50' X 20' building would be large enough to house all his toys and a shop.
Wrong. By a factor of three.
Most of the plans for DIY lumber drying solar kilns call for a relatively compact shed with a footprint of around 6' X 12'. The Colonel hasn't a doubt in his military mind that a building that small will not even come close to cutting it for his purposes. He's thinking a bit more "industrial-sized."
The Colonel's building has a 24' X 16' footprint, with three separate stalls.
So far, framing up the Colonel's lumber storage and drying facility (he uses the acronym, LSD) has consumed all of the lumber that his personal forest-to-mill operation produced over the last 5 years, and, although it runs counter to his self-reliant lumber production philosophy, the Colonel has been supplementing his lumber needs with regular runs to the commercial lumber yard in town.
The other day the Colonel pulled up to the house, his beat up old pick-up -- Semper Fillit -- filled to the gunnells with a load of store-bought 2 x 6s. The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was pulling weeds in her flower beds and welcomed the Colonel home in her most loving way,
"Where have you been all morning, Knucklehead?"
"Had to go to town for some supplies," the Colonel answered -- careful to not make eye contact.
"I see that. I thought you said when you spent ten grand on that noisy saw mill that you would never have to buy wood again."
"It wasn't ten grand," the Colonel countered, still carefully avoiding eye contact. "It was less than eight."
"Yeah, but you have easily spent another two grand on blades, log handling tools and gas for that noisy old thing."
The Colonel busied himself with unloading lumber from Semper Fillit and, without making eye contact, corrected the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda, "Its name is Semper Filet."
"What?"
"Semper Filet, the sawmill's name is Semper Filet."
"More like Semper Fundit," the Colonel's bride countered. "Why won't you look at me?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," the Colonel answered, still carefully avoiding eye contact.
"Look. At. Me."
The Colonel stood from his lumber labors and faced the comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda. "Yes, dear."
"Don't you 'yes, dear' me! You spent a bunch of money on wood this morning didn't you?"
"Lumber."
"What?"
"It's lum-ber. You keep callin' it 'wood.'"
"Quit changing the subject! How much did you spend?"
The Colonel turned back to his lumber labors and mumbled, "couple hundred."
"What? Did you say you spent a couple hundred dollars on that load of wood?"
"Lum-ber."
"Li-ar. I know when you say 'couple' you mean a whole lot more than just two."
The comely and kind-hearted Miss Brenda was beginning to give the Colonel thoughts about changing her nom d' amor.
"The Colonel is thinking about changing your nom d' amor."
"Nom da what?"
"Nom d' amor. You know, the lovingly descriptive term the Colonel uses for you when he writes or talks about you."
"That's not a real word. You're just making stuff up, again."
"Whaddayou mean, 'again'? The Colonel only occasionally 'makes stuff up.' Most of the time he is using 'creative license'."
"Stop that!"
"Dear, the Colonel can no more restrict his use of creative license than a stepped-on copperhead can keep from bitin'."
"No, knucklehead, stop referring to yourself in the third person!"
"Dear, the Colonel can no more restrict the use of his trademark third person style than..."
"Please just stop!" The comely and kind-hearted (pending change) Miss Brenda raised her dainty flower garden-gloved hands, palms facing the Colonel. "How much are you going to spend on this monstrosity of a building blighting the landscape?"
"Dunno."
"You 'dunno', or you don't 'wanna' say? Seriously, knucklehead, your grammar gets worse by the day. For a man with two Masters degrees under his belt, you talk like the fifth grade was your 'senior year'."
"I. Don't. Know."
"That's better." The comely and kind-hearted (change pending) Miss Brenda's dainty flower garden-gloved hands were now resting on her dainty hips. "Now, let me get this straight. You bought a sawmill so that you wouldn't have to buy lumber anymore. Now you have used up all of your own lumber, and are buying more, to build a building in which you are going to dry and store lumber that you make on that noisy old saw mill..."
"Semper Filet."
"Oh, shut up!"
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