Spidey Sense

The Colonel spent the weekend in a fever-induced hallucinogenic haze.  The massive swelling and intense pain (Category 6 on the Saffir-Simpson Nietzsche-Gregory Suffering and Whining Scale)  around a small site on his lower back led him to surmise that he had been bitten by a spider.  The fevered visions of webs shooting from his wrists seemed to verify that suspicion. 

The Colonel could have gone to the local hospital's emergency room, he guesses.  But he ain't smart and you can't make him.  Instead, he gutted it out for 48 hours and went to his personal physician's office first thing this Monday morning.  

The nurse practitioner who saw the Colonel took one look at the festering, swollen wound on the Colonel's back and immediately left the examination room, returning five minutes later in a full hazmat suit.  This did not particularly alarm the Colonel -- the Comely and Kind-Hearted Miss Brenda has a hazmat suit she dons frequently to do the Colonel's laundry.

"Colonel," she breathlessly declared, attempting mightily to maintain her medically professional demeanor, "I'm not sure I've ever seen anything quite like this."

"Oh, really?"  The Colonel was suddenly infused with a sense of perverse pride at his evident specialness.

"Well, you are in luck, Colonel.  I just so happen to be an arachnid bite expert, and based on the circumference of the site and the massive swelling, coupled with your fevered hallucinations, I think I know exactly what bit you."

Oh, really?"  The Colonel was intensely interested to hear the identity of the critter that had demonstrated the temerity to bite him.

"Yes.  I believe that you were bitten by the exceedingly rare Mississippi brown-spotted three-fanged vampire jumping spider."

The Colonel, who had theretofore been proudly presenting his formerly well-muscled back, turned to look her dead in the eye.  Even through the distortion of the hazmat suit's plastic face plate, the Colonel could see that she was maintaining a straight face.

The Colonel played along. "What's the prognosis?"

"Ordinarily, instantaneous death.  But in a small minority of cases, long-term lingering suffering."

"Well," the Colonel responded, "been there, done that.  Living through the Obama presidency, after all."   

The nurse practitioner broke out a hypodermic needle that was last used to harpoon a sperm whale, and injected a whale-boat load of steroids into the Colonel's formerly well-toned gluteous maximus, handed him a prescription for some more pharmaceuticals, and sent him on his way with wishes that he would feel better soon.

"No chance of that," the Colonel intoned in parting.  "Have you seen who is likely to be the next president?"    

  

Write-in Win for the Republic

The Colonel has come to the conclusion that it is indeed time for a woman to serve as President of these re-United States. 

The woman the Colonel knows the best, and with whose temperament, common sense, and integrity he is the most comfortable, is his bride -- the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda. Therefore, the Colonel is today announcing the beginning of a write-in campaign to elect Brenda Cannon Gregory as the next President of the United States.

Brenda Cannon was born in Memphis, Tennessee on the 9th of September in 1956.  Her father, LtCol. John W. Cannon, was a pilot in the United States Air Force whose career took the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda's family to assignments in Florida, Hawaii, New York, New Jersey, Washington, California, and the Panama Canal Zone.

She graduated with honors from Balboa High School in the Panama Canal Zone in 1974 and was a member of the National Honor Society.  She graduated summa cum laude from Mississippi University for Women with a BS in Business Administration in 1982. 

The Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda married her high school sweetheart -- the Colonel -- in 1976, and upon his commissioning as a second lieutenant in the United States Marine Corps began nearly three decades of service in command of the Gregory family support echelon as the Colonel's career took him from one end of the empire to the other.  Moving every two years on average, she established home base for her family in Virginia (twice), North Carolina (twice), Mississippi, Georgia, Alabama, Hawaii, Rhode Island, South Korea, and South Carolina.  

The Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda raised three children, who today are all highly productive and respected members of society -- credit entirely to her.

The Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda possess the finest character of any person with whom the Colonel has ever been associated.

Never, ever, intemperate.  

Always in service.  The Colonel calls her "Twelve" -- she is driven by the unquenchable desire to tend to others.

She never lies. Seriously, the Colonel has tried for nearly half a century to catch the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda in even a half-truth.  He has failed miserably.

Because the Colonel was, during his career as an infantry officer in the Marine Corps, subject to immediate deployments for indefinite durations, the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda served as chief financial officer for the Gregory family.  She ran the family budget accurately to the penny.  She never once over-drew the checking account, nor ever ran up credit card debt.  

She lives her faith in Jesus.  Period.

She has impeccable pro-Life credentials -- started the first Crisis Pregnancy Center on Oahu in 1998.  Over one hundred babies saved in the first year!

She is a teacher.  Taught the fifth grade for a year in Jacksonville, NC.  Oh..., and kept the family going gangbusters the whole time while the Colonel was off galavanting in the Mediterranean.  

She is fearless and doesn't back down from a righteous fight.

Were it not for her severe allergic reaction to the kitchen, the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda would be considered in perfect health.

She has NEVER posted ANYTHING on Twitter, SnapChat, Facebook or any other social media.  

Rarely uses e-mail. 

Has never mishandled classified information.

Despises cronyism.  Has the most acutely developed sense of fairness that the Colonel has ever seen.  Can not be bought -- believe the Colonel, he's tried.  Will leave the White House no richer than she arrived and will not accept latter inducements for book deals or speaking engagements. 

She is an encourager; actively seeking out the down and out, and helping out with a positive word.  The Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda will encourage ALL Americans to better themselves.   

Believes that government governs best when it governs least.  Will roll back every federal regulation not specifically enacted by legislation.

Believes that them that don't work, don't eat.

Doesn't personally own a gun, but can safely and effectively employ any one of the dozens owned by the Colonel.  

Respects the law -- has never even gotten so much as a speeding ticket.

Did the Colonel mention fearless?  Made a static line parachute jump at the age of 45.  Not a tandem jump, mind you.  A climb out out onto the strut of the airplane and let go all by herself parachute jump.  Um..., the big bad Colonel ain't even done that...

Confident, coherent, concise public speaker.  She won't need a teleprompter -- her speeches will not be that long.

Frugal to a fault.  Won't spend a dime on herself and keeps the Colonel's toys to a minimum.  Will hold the Federal government to the same standard.  Will slash the White House staff in half, for starters.  As the Colonel currently maintains her in a comfortable standard of living without want, the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda will return her entire presidential salary to the US Treasury. 

Will place the freedom, security, and economic well-being of the citizens of the United States above all other considerations.  Will endeavor to expand the territory of the United States in the American Hemisphere for the sole purpose of providing greater freedom, security, and economic well-being to greater numbers of Americans as CITIZENS of the United States. 

Believes that the Constitution of the United States in the greatest social contract ever devised by man and that a strict constructionist view of the Constitution is the only qualification for the bench at any level.  Will not appoint judges or justices who have demonstrated disdain for the Constitution by legislating from the bench.

The Colonel won't make the claim that she is "the most qualified person to be president."  However, he will declare, without hesitation, that the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda would be a darn sight far better president than any of the current pretenders to the throne.  

There is not enough ink, nor enough electrons, to adequately extoll the virtues of this good woman.  

Join the Colonel's cause.  Elect the ultimate outsider.

Brenda Cannon Gregory for President.   

Expeditionary Tourism

Thirty years ago -- give or take a deployment workup period or two -- the Colonel was deployed, along with a couple thousand of his closest friends, to the edge of the Empire as a centurion of the Republic.

Twice, at the end of the decade of Reagan, as a part of a Marine Expeditionary Unit capable of executing ship-to-shore "special operations" at the drop of a hat, the Colonel and a couple thousand of his closest friends went through a fever-pitched preparation phase and then deployed for six months to the Mediterranean area of operations aboard amphibious ships of the greatest navy the world has ever seen. 

The Colonel is convinced, beyond a shadow of doubt in his military mind, that the capabilities and commitment of he and a couple thousand of his closest friends not only maintained peace in the region, but so unnerved the Soviet Union that it collapsed.

Think the Colonel is kidding?  He kids thee not.

The Colonel, with a couple thousand of his closest friends, sailed through the Strait of Gibraltar and into the Med at the end of October, 1989.  Two weeks later, the Berlin Wall fell.

Coincidence?  The Colonel doesn't believe in coincidences!

Look, it's crystal clear to the Colonel -- and, he ain't all that smart -- that there are two reasons the Soviet Union collapsed:  blue jeans and the Colonel (along with a couple thousand of his closest friends).

Blue jeans, you ask?

Yes.  Blue jeans.

The government stores in Moscow didn't sell 'em.  The Muscovites wanted 'em.  Statist socialism failed to satisfy the people's wants.  

Blue jeans, the Colonel, and a couple thousand of the Colonel's closest friends -- someday the history books will get it right.

So..., having trained -- hard and effectively -- for every contingency on the spectrum of military operations, ranging from supplying woeful waifs with MRE gum to marching on Moscow through a battlefield macro-aggressed with nuclear fallout and lethal chemical agents, and... finding neither woeful waifs nor need for seizing Moscow, the Colonel and a couple thousand of his closest friends did the thing that Marines do second most best...

They pulled liberty.

For those not acquainted with the term, "pulled liberty" is a nautical term for having gone ashore to engage in unmilitary conduct both naughty and nice.

The Colonel did the latter, of course...

That's his story and he's sticking to it.  He is also thankful that this was a couple decades before the ubiquitous cell phone camera.

With peace breaking out all over the place -- as it always did whenever the Colonel was in an operational command -- the Colonel had no choice but to act like a tourist.

Oh sure, the Colonel, and a couple thousand of his closest friends, still conducted frequent bouts of training for military operations, but Southern Europe was their oyster.

And, there just weren't that many tourists getting in the way in those days.

From the Costa del Sol, to Provence, to the Riviera, to Roma, Napoli, and the Amalfi Coast, to Mount Carmel, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, and dozens of points in between, the Colonel -- with Uncle Sam as his travel agent -- sight-saw the extent of the Roman Empire.

For their coincidental 40th wedding anniversary and 60th birthdays, the Colonel and the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda recreated the Colonel's Mediterranean travels earlier this year -- with just the Colonel's best friend this time.  

The sights were the same, with one exception -- thousands and thousands of tourists.  

Where 30 years ago -- give or take a deployment work-up period or two -- the Colonel had the Piazza dei Miracoli and the leaning tower of Pisa nearly all to his lonesome around which to wander mouth-agape, this summer the Colonel and the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda stood shoulder to shoulder with thousands of tourists jostling for the obligatory photo shot with the tower in the background.

Where 30 years ago -- give or take a deployment work-up period or two -- the Colonel sat nearly alone on the Spanish Steps, this summer the Colonel had to point them out to the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda shoulder to shoulder with thousands of tourists from behind a security fence.

Nearly everywhere in Spain, France, Italy, Greece, and Turkey, the experience was the same -- thousands upon thousands of tourists jostling for a position from which to momentarily see a sight.

The Colonel, who has a back-pack crammed full of life's disappointments, was..., well..., disappointed.   

He's sorry that the Comely and Kind-hearted Miss Brenda didn't get to see the Med like the Colonel got to, but the check is in that box -- not going back.

At any rate, the Colonel hopes that the thousands upon thousands of tourists sight-seeing in great selfie-snapping, sweaty packs appreciate that their ability to do so is attributable to a couple of thousand of the Colonel's closest friends sweating under their packs and scaring the Soviets into collapse.   

They probably have no idea.